After three years, this section of the site is having a rest. If an exceptional thought arises, then it may be added above.
What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.
I went to buy some camouflage trousers, but couldn't find any.
Two elephants walk off a cliff ... boom, boom!
I bet my butcher £50 that he could not reach the meat on his top shelf. He said, "No, the steaks are too high."
"When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading." Henny Youngman
"I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they wake up in the morning, that's as good as they're going to feel all day." Frank Sinatra
It is better to regret something you have done, rather than something you wish you had tried to do.
Shopping tip: You can get shoes for a dollar at bowling alleys.
After all is said and done, usually more is said than done.
I am a nobody, nobody is perfect, therefore I am perfect.
Two peanuts were walking down the street. One was asalted.
No one ever says "It's only a game," when their team is winning.
How come we choose from just two people for president and 50 for Miss America?
How long a minute is depends on what side of the bathroom door you're on.
Middle age is when you choose your cereal for the fiber, not the toy.
I earn a seven figure salary. Unfortunately, there's a decimal point involved.
The next time you feel like complaining, remember: Your garbage disposal probably eats better than thirty percent of the people in this world.
When life throws you stones, throw them back!
At the first chance he had, Adam blamed it all on Eve.
It's always darkest before dawn. So if you're going to steal your neighbor's newspaper, thats the time to do it!
Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do no walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me, either. Just leave me the hell alone!
It may be your sole purpose in life to simply serve as a warning to others!
It it far more impressive when others discover your good qualities without your help!
If you always tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything!
If ignorance is bliss... then why aren't more people happy?
If you are too poor to pay attention, opt for the installment plan.
Money is not everything. There's MasterCard and Visa.
Children in backseats cause accidents. Accidents in backseats cause children.
Success is a relative term. It brings so many relatives.
The longer you are in a rut, the deeper it gets.
The best thing about a holiday, is that there is a gap to show you have been away.
Man who wants pretty nurse, must be patient.
Man who drives like hell, bound to get there.
War doesn't determine who's right. War determines who's left.
Man who lives in glass house should change in basement.
Lady who goes camping must beware of evil intent.
Man who keeps feet firmly on ground have trouble putting on pants.
Man who leaps off cliff jumps to conclusion.
Man with tight trousers is pressing his luck.
Man who runs in front of car, gets tired.
Man who runs behind car, gets exhausted.
Man who walks through airport turnstile sideways going to Bangkok.
Man who scratches ass should not bite fingernails.
Panties not best thing on earth, but next to it.
Man who tells one too many light bulb jokes soon burns out.
It takes many nails to build crib, but one screw to fill it.
Man who sits on tack gets point.
Better to be pissed off than pissed on.
My friend is so thick she thinks an IQ is when you wait to see the optician.
Nobody takes me seriously until I say something in jest.
If all the pedestians in Britain were laid end to end, it would simplify matters for the car drivers.
When you define a living wage it depends on whether you are giving or getting it.
The clever man knows both how to take advice and also how to reject it.
It pays to be honest, but takes a lot longer to collect.
If you lend a friend £10, you either lose a friend or £10.
If I can't find something, the second thing I lose is my temper.
Advice is easily given, but hard to take.
Every relationship is based on each party thinking they have something to gain by its continuation.
Think before you speak - don't reflect on wat you have spoken.
The last casualty of war is the expert - proven wrong on all counts.
When the war is over, the populace thinks it was a good idea.
Marriage has many pains, but celibacy has few pleasures.
The problem with America is that they are trying to run the country with only one Vice President.
If a friend is in trouble, don't annoy him by asking if there is anything you can do. Think up something appropriate and do it.
If you try to fail and succeed, what have you done?
At least with the Boat Race you also remember who came second.
A bachelor is a man crossed in love. A husband is one who has been double crossed.
Caution is when you are afraid. Cowardice is when the other fellow is afraid.
I was in bad company - there were four of us with a bottle of whisky and the other three didn't drink.
Sleeping is the cure for insomnia.
Definition of eternity - a monthly payment plan.
I am so worried that if something happens to me today, I can't get around to worry about it for a couple of weeks.
My wife told me that she had given me the best years of her life. OK, but I had made them the best.
I haven't spoken to my wife in weeks. I am unable to interrupt her.
You know the world is going crazy when the best rapper is white, the best golfer is black, the Swiss hold the America Cup, France is accusing the US of arrogance, and Germany doesn't want to go to war.
quote from Sky News - "Umm Qasr is a city similar to
Southampton," UK defence minister Geoff Hoon said in The Commons yesterday.
He who would eat the kernel must first crack the shell.
Truth is the facts presented the way you want them to be.
Never in previous wars have we received so much information, but gained so little knowledge.
The media first establish the facts and then distort them before publishing.
If you are going to feed a tiger, first make sure you have removed its teeth.
Is "integrity" a word unique to the English language?
The third casualty of war are the innocent.
The second casualty of war is the plan.
Truth is the first casualty of war.
"I don't know why people are surprised the French don't want to help us get Saddam out of Iraq. After all, France wouldn't help us get the Germans out of France." - Jay Leno
The French will back us any time ..... they need our help.
The real expert can still do the job without the right tools.
Only one third of what we eat enables us to live. The other two thirds enables the lady from Weightwatchers to live.
Justice is seldom issued to both sides of the scale in equal measure.
How can we ever become educated if we only read the newspapers we agree with?
Never fake integrity.
If the majority of your electorate disagree with you, then play the "I'm acting on conscience" ruse.
If the club won't vote for your motion, then start your own club.
Every winner bears scars.
Competence is more impressive than confidence.
Is a "cynic view" a picture worth remembering?
The first half of life is ruined by our parents, the second half by our children.
A "good service" is an expression no longer used in business, but only in tennis.
One of those dates = 03/03/03
If you win at love or war, it doesn't mean the expense has ended.
The only way you can beat time is to play the drums.
Nobody ever listened himself out of a job.
If a contract is more than a page long, then don't sign it.
Anything is possible on a computer - except what you ask the programmer to do for you.
Better to mean what you say, rather than say what you mean.
If someone points out your mistake, at least they are interested in what you have done.
If those who march for peace each donated £10 to poverty in Iraq, then perhaps the chances of war would receed.
Loyalty in politics is akin to snow in the Sahara.
I've had a terrible life, full of worries. And most of them never happened! (Billy Graham)
Mud thrown is ground lost.
A real loser is someone who had everything, and didn't know it, so let it go.
All you need to do in life is watch the world go by - and it sure will!
Why do the most civilised nations have the best weapons of war?
We think our fathers fools, so wise we grow. Our wiser sons, no doubt will think us so.
The trouble with opportunity is that it usually comes disguised as hard work.
The difference between a man and a woman buying a pair of shoes is about four hours.
There are hundreds of languages, but a smile speaks them all.
Remember, amateurs built the Ark, and professionals built the Titanic.
The greatest general to emerge from the next Gulf War will be General Taxation.
We think the world is getting worse, but really it is news coverage that is getting better.
Sitting on the fence means that people on both sides throw bricks at you.
No one can make you feel inferior without your consent. (Eleanor Roosevelt)
The idea is to make things as complicated as possible, then don't give help, and call yourself a Service Provider.
There are two kinds of men who never amount to much - those who cannot do what they are told and those who can do nothing else.
You have to be 100% behind someone, before you can stab them in the back.
Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?
If you can keep your head when all around you have lost theirs, then you probably haven't understood the seriousness of the situation.
Although you can't fool all the people all the time, it doesn't stop some people from trying.
Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavour, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?
Politicians and nappies have one thing in common. They should both be changed regularly and for the same reason.
No one ever told me I was wonderful, so I am not sure how I first got the idea.
Fishing is about a pole with a worm at each end.
A friend told me to shoot first and ask questions later. I was going to ask him why, but I had to shoot him. (John Wayne)
The problem with being a genius is that other people keep telling you about your own ideas.
If at first you don't succeed, remove all evidence you ever tried.
The man who is the most popular isn't always the most respected.
Common sense is the knack of seeing things as they are, and doing things as they ought to be done.
Happiness doesn't buy money.
Never do today that which will become someone elses responsibility tomorrow.
Age and treachery will always triumph over youth and ability.
Lack of planning on your part does not constitute an emergency on my part.
Life is too fast for a slow computer.
You havent wasted your time if you enjoyed wasting it.
Nothing recedes like success.
A parking place is somewhere you leave your car to be vandalised.
Life is not a matter of holding good cards, but sometimes playing a poor hand well.
Oil may be a lubricant, but it certainly isn't between America and Iraq.
A man who marries in haste is the victim of a woman who has considered the matter at her leisure.
Chaos is now quite normal.
Most people remain poor by acting as if they were rich.
If the young people of today are worse than when we were young, perhaps it is because our parents were better at bringing up children than we have been.
A Conservative is someone who thinks the rich should have a fair deal.
Civilisation is the slow process of adopting the views of the minorities.
No one tries desperate remedies at first.
A job half finished is better than a job not started.
It is better to aim too high and miss your target, rather than aim too low and reach it.
Only two things are certain; death and taxes. But at least death doesn't get worse every year.
They say a man is as old as the woman he feels. Whereas a woman is as old as she feels like admitting.
Today is the day you abandon all of the resolutions you made yesterday.
A resolution is a boastful aspiration you have no intention of meeting.
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