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Old today's thought

31December00

A new year, with another opportunity for us all to make the world a better place. How come we never did so in previous years?

30December00

As the true new millennium dawns, why is there no fuss about it. Surely Jesus was born 2,000 years ago around now, not last year?

29December00

The two biggest non events of year 2000 - the Millennium Dome and the American Presidential Election.

28December00

What happened to all those Christmases of yesteryear? None of my children nor their partners had even heard of "shove ha'penny" or "tippit".

27December00

If humanity manages to survive for another 2000 years, will it still be eating cold turkey sandwiches on Boxing Day?

26December00

When you get a power cut at 1pm on Christmas Day you realise the importance of electricity - even the gas cooker doesn't work!!! (it came back on by 3pm)

25December00

Christmas Day means:
1. Giving presents you can't really afford, receiving presents you would not have chosen, eating more food than you need, regretting drinking so much.
or
2. No different to any other day, no food to eat, no home to go to, a death in the family, being alone.
or
3. Spending the day with family and seeing the pleasure in the faces of the children opening their presents.

I am a lucky man.

24December00

Please don't confuse my good nature with stupidity.

23December00

Quote: "If we had an extra 6 million visitors to the Millennium Dome it would have been a spectacular success."
And if I had another £999,999 I would be a millionaire!!!

22December00

He who acts daft is often the most clever.

21December00

.... and they found Mary and Joseph and the baby lying in a manger.....and they all rolled over and one fell out!!!

20December00

Before you search the world, just check if there are any treasures in your own back garden.

19December00

It's a shame but there are more family fights over the Christmas period than all of the rest of the year put together.

18December00

Ain't Christmas Day wonderful and the best day in the year? Yes, if you are a man. No, if you have to cook the meal.

17December00

Send out your Christmas cards on the last possible posting day. You send cards to those you want to, and they have no chance to send one back to you if they have forgotten!

16December00

Keep a smile on your face. At least it makes everyone else wonder what you know that they don't.

15December00

When the going gets tough, the tough get going.

14December00

Those who make the most promises usually don't expect to keep many of them.

13December00

You have the right to remain ignorant, but it does not help your case.

12December00

Nothing is new. Anything said in this world has been said before and will be said again.

11December00

Nothing is new. Anything said in this world has been said before and will be said again.

10December00

Saving a few pennies doesn't really help if you have a shortfall of pounds.

9December00

There's no disgrace in giving up, but not on yourself.

8December00

Don't get a dog for Christmas. A turkey tastes much nicer.

7December00

The biggest natural resource wasted on this planet is our time.

6December00

I prefer logic to lateral thinking.

5December00

What's the betting that come the summer of 2001, Great Britain will be suffering from a water shortage.

 4December00

Education of children is important, but their happiness is paramount.

3December00

I love Christmas, but not the preparations.

2December00

A secret is like a latent amoeba.

1December00

The harder I work the luckier I get.

30November00

The customer ain't always right, but you don't have to tell him.

29November00

Under promise and over deliver.

28November00

President Clinton is happy that there is a real prospect of more "Bush" in the White House again.

27November00

Ecology is what everyone is concerned about as they continue to drive a car and live in a consumer world.

26November00

The bigger the problem, the easier the remedy.

25November00

An accountant is employed to discover the errors made by his predecessor.

24November00

Never look back on what you had, or you are bound to have regrets.

23November00

Never miss a chance to shut up.

22November00

Customer letter: "Dear Sir, Thank you for lending me the Daewoo Matiz while my own car was in your workshops. I now know and appreciate why I bought a Skoda!"

21November00

"Bugger whose?" - Anagram of George W Bush.

20November00

If you tell the truth you don't have to remember anything.

19November00

"Rid of Al" - Anagram of Florida.

18November00

You don't have to be ill to get better.

17November00

I was only wrong once. I thought I had made a mistake, but in fact I hadn't.

16November00

There are two theories about arguing with women. Neither of them work.

15November00

Always remember you are unique; just like everyone else.

14November00

Experience is something you get just after you need it.

13November00

In 1998 some 31 people died and over 2,000 people were injured due to police car accidents in the UK. One wonders how may lives were saved by police driving dangerously on the way to emergency calls.

12November00

Police were suspicious when one of the would be diamond robbers tried to buy six tickets to the Millenium Dome at full price.

11November00

Pet hate: being told a blank web page is "under construction". Why bother?

10November00

We didn't need an election to know there wasn't any difference between Al Gore and George W Bush.

9November00

Folks soon forget the good turn you did them, but always remember the bad one.

8November00

Bush and Gore neck and neck at the polls. Heads America loses, tails America loses!

7November00

Act in haste, repent at leisure.

6November00

The man with the most convincing argument often has the weakest case.

5November00

No matter what they tell you in the papers - this year had the lowest rainfall this century!

4November00

There are few situations that a glass of good wine cannot improve.

3November00

No one is more dangerous than a clever fool.

2November00

If you own one dog, you are probably a good person. If you own two dogs you are definitely ok. If you own three or more you are probably a crank!

1November00

The faster you drive, the longer you live - Albert Einstein. (time slows down as you approach the speed of light!)

31October00

If you believe in the equality of the sexes, when can men gain this equality?

30October00

Loyalty is a mythical quality which disappears when the chips are down.

29October00

The unexpected always unseats complacency.

28October00

Penny driving car, "Oh shit!"
Voice from the back seat, Jessica aged 4, "Sugar, Grandma, sugar."

27October00

Laughter is the best medicine - unless you are having a heart attack!

26October00

Only a woman could say - "I did tell you I was going to the dentist this morning; you just weren't in the room when I said it."

25October00

Only a woman could say - "The lifts at the new shopping centre just go up and down."

24October00

Be tolerant of others' shortcomings. If everyone was as good as you, then you would only be average!

23October00

The most uncertain aspect of life is life itself.

22October00

Perfection is what you thought you had yesterday and hope for tomorrow.

21October00

If you have to work on a marriage to keep it going, you probably haven't got much to start with.

20October00

If modern medicine is so wonderful, why don't all doctors live to be 100?

19October00

Your diamond can be someone elses lump of coal.

18October00

Sometimes, if you try a little bit less you achieve a little bit more.

17October00

The penalty of fame and success is that you start to believe the sycophants.

16October00

My cousin Pete has run the London Marathon twice. I told him he should have spotted the "Finish" sign the first time round.

15October00

Why is it that so many of the rich and famous can't succeed in happiness?

14October00

9 times out of 10, wisdom beats intelligence.

13October00

So it's Friday the 13th - superstition is bunkum, touch wood!

12October00

How incredible that I can visit someone 4,000 miles away, learn all about them and their family, where they live and loads more, just by signing on to the Internet. And they can of me.

11October00

As I watch the world news each night, I reflect how truly lucky I am to be a citizen of a civilized country.

10October00

Best joke of the week: When told that the England Coach was leaving, David Beckham said "Oh no, I've left my jacket on it."

9October00

My grand-daughter of four years old can probably operate a computer better than half the population over 40.

8October00

Only a brave man or a fool always tell the truth.

7October00

There is no correlation between good health and a sensible diet, or so I would like to believe!

6October00

Brevity is.

5October00

Age is a state of mind.

4October00

Modesty is my strongest attribute, amongst many, many others!

3October00

The secret of success and happiness is knowing when you have achieved them.

2October00

No-one is indispensable, except me!

1October00

You only realise the true value of somebody when they are no longer there.

30September00

Of all my senses, common sense is the most important.

29 September00

It's only a difficult question if you don't know the answer.

28September00

You only get out of life what you put into life.

27September00

He whose only goal is to gain and profit does so at the expense of reputation and friends.

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