Tact is telling a barefaced lie to save someone else from embarrassment.
If you consider what might have been, you always exaggerate.
No-one is indispensable, but some are missed.
Be careful that the golden opportunity is not a rusty bucket.
Strategy will win the war, so make this the first weapon you acquire.
One measure of a man is how he handles power.
If winning doesn't matter, why keep score?
Nothing is forever - even infinity.
Is "irony" telling a bachelor that he has a creased shirt and a pressing need to get a wife?
If you get what you want make sure you keep it.
The best things in life are free, the ones we desire cost a fortune.
The impossible is an excuse for something you would rather not do.
If the drinks are free, someone always takes advantage.
There are lies, damn lies and politics.
It is important to retain your values, without forcing them on others.
There ain't much sense in the 2001 UK census.
It's always funnier when someone else slips on the banana skin.
Trust everybody and you are a fool. Trust no-one and you are an even bigger fool.
You are rarely aware of what people really think of you.
To entrap someone, just let them do the talking.
He who listens, learns.
Confidence is the ingredient that turns losers into winners.
Expect nothing from life and you'll still be disappointed.
A man makes a mistake, whereas a woman changes her mind.
Look on the bright side; you could be dead tomorrow!
In this modern age we tend to deprive the old of their most valued possession - their dignity.
The most difficult adversary is the man who is acting on principle.
My Mum used to say "You'll miss me when I'm dead and gone!" and I do.
"The government have decided that it is in the public interest ......" is another way of saying "This might be in the Party's best interest for re-election".
The Japanese have invented a toothbrush that releases an electrical discharge and this dislodges all the plaque. This makes toothpaste obsolete. Honest. And I know it's All Fools' Day.
I have never heard of a politician who had no knowledge or opinion on any given subject.
Don't get mad, get even.
I thought this was funny. Be careful when you dial.
The mass killing of hundreds of thousands of animals, because of foot and mouth disease, seems as immoral as any war crime, even though most would have eventually been victims of the abattoir.
Quality beats quantity any day.
The person you envy is probably as miserable as sin.
Your best quoted phrases are remembered by others and forgotten by yourself.
People in high places make more mistakes because others agree with their suggestions.
Most people make fools of themselves when trying to make a fool of others.
The tale of Sonia Snell, (with acknowledgments to my Cousin Jim who first recited it to me)
Spring is nearly here and a young man's thoughts turn to .... cricket!
Love and hate are both blind.
Home spun philosophies often get into a tangle.
Amazingly, however old you become, there is always something new to learn every day, as long as you have an interest in life.
The sun is there, even if the clouds are obscuring it.
If pigs could fly I would buy shares in an umbrella factory.
Fame, fortune and power are of no consequence if a man is morally bankrupt.
Trust nothing but your own instinct.
When in Rome, do as the Romans do ..... rape, pillage, feed Christians to the lions and live a life of debauchery???
Complacency is the mother of all cock-ups!
Praise from your family is praise indeed! Criticism is welcome; disdain and ridicule are par for the course.
Sometimes I feel that if I could understand the answer I wouldn't have needed to ask the question.
Is ten years' experience, in fact, one year's experience times ten?
Achievement is when something difficult is made to work, from your own efforts.
You don't need spectacles to look back in hindsight.
Reality is the world as I see it.
Every dog has his day.
Be careful what you ask for, one day you may get it.
My dog's got no nose. How does it smell? Terrible.
With foot and mouth disease all over the country, we can't walk our dog in the forest. However, horse racing will still continue, but of course there is money at stake!
When you ring our local Doctors' surgery and ask for an immediate appointment, why does the receptionist ask if it is urgent? If it wasn't important to me, why would I want to see a doctor?
Friends are people who help you when you don't ask them.
"One can die looking for the hope which tomorrow brings." (letter from Chandler, serving life sentence in prison in Mississippi.)
How come after four years in office, I get a letter from my local councillor. Is it coincidence he wants to be re-elected this year?
Jessica aged 4: "No I am not asleep, but just resting my eyes."
If you think I am sad and need to get a life, what about my pal Phil who logs onto this page every day to see what I have written!
Live every day as if it were your last - (lie in bed in a prone position, coughing and gasping for air!)
If George W Bush had to locate Iraq on a world map before he sent the bombing missions in, then world peace would be a lot more stable. (Or a lot of other countries would be bombed.)
Why do we allow those with the least principles to govern us and create laws that decide our own morality.
If you don't believe in spontaneous combustion, try looking at ants through a magnifying glass on a sunny summer's day.
When I married Miss Right nobody told me her first name was "Always".
You never really know someone until you are at war against them.
They say mud sticks, but it's those who throw it who are dirty.
Act in haste, repent at leisure.
Re yesterday's thought - you don't really think I'm that brave / stupid, do you?
All this fuss about Valentine's Day - you don't have to give someone
flowers to prove that you love them.
How many times do you want to say something important but the words get in the way?
Parents always do things that annoy you. When you find yourself doing them it's even more annoying.
Why do I look so wonderful in the mirror, but so unattractive on video film?
Why is it that the funniest jokes are those you are unable to remember?
Running away from a problem doesn't help. Well it does if the problem is a mad bull!
If life begins at forty it certainly doesn't last very long!
Getting credit and putting on weight are both easily done. Getting rid is more difficult.
Mr Royce once said "The quality will remain long after the price has been forgotten"
The hardest word to pronounce in the English language is "sorry".
If you set your alarm clock for 4 minutes past 5 this morning you are an idiot, because its Sunday and you could have had a lie in!
If you set your alarm clock for 4 minutes past 5 this morning you will get 05:04 03/02/01. Wait another hour one minute and four seconds and you will then get 06:05:04 03/02/01.
I know several people who are millionaires and none of them are happier than me. If I was a millionaire, I would be happier than them!
Be careful about what you want in life, because one day you may achieve it.
Oh the kids of today - when I was their age I was much older!
It is difficult to tell someone you are the best without sounding conceited.
If you enjoy the sound of your own voice, chances are other people don't.
An expert is someone who has the nerve to charge you for bad advice.
The most effective form of birth control is the head-ache.
I have a moral question for you. The situation: you are in the Midwest and there is a huge flood. Homes have been lost, supplies compromised, and infrastructures destroyed. You are taking photographs for a news service, travelling alone, looking for particularly poignant scenes. You come across George W. Bush who has been swept away by the flood waters. He is hanging on to the branch of a tree and is about to go under. You can either put down your camera and save him or take a Pulitzer prizewinning photograph of him as he loses his grip on the branch.
So, here's the question - and think carefully before you answer it: What lens would you use?
When people ask how I am, why do I always reply "Fine, thank you", even if I'm not?
Your best friend should be your spouse - (but it's difficult if you are already married.)
The strongest argument for the abolition of fox hunting are the people who support it.
I don't believe in reincarnation and I didn't when I was Napoleon.
Nowadays, important elements of life such as marriage and employment are too often entered into with only a short term commitment.
Those who have nothing to say usually make sure they tell everbody.
How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb? Three - one to screw it in and the other two to listen to him brag about the screwing.
How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb? Only one; he just holds it up there and waits for the world to revolve around him.
Nothing can surpass the joy of seeing your own new-born baby - or the horror if you didn't know you had one!
You can always deny what has been said, but a letter can only be open to interpretation.
Boring people live longer - or at least it seems longer.
should you do if you see your husband rolling around in pain on the ground?
It is better to give than receive - especially blame!
A man's true measure is how he copes with power.
Good ideas usually arrive when you are not searching for them.
The higher up the ladder you climb, the more difficult it is to see what is happening at ground level.
The problem with revenge is that it is difficult to measure the exact dosage.
A website is like life itself; you can always make some improvements.
A job is always done better if you are doing it for yourself, or for someone you love.
Loyalty and water have much in common - they both evaporate when the heat is on.
The fundemental ingredient missing from modern life must be "fun".
What doesn't matter to you might be very important to someone else.
Make a New Year's resolution to count to 100 before you make a criticism of someone. (Count to 1,000 if it is a loved one!)
Today is 01/01/01 - 20th January will be 20/01/2001 and 10th February 10/02/2001- which is palindromic on UK date system (and nowhere else matters!)
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