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30April01

Tact is telling a barefaced lie to save someone else from embarrassment.

29April01

If you consider what might have been, you always exaggerate.

28April01

No-one is indispensable, but some are missed.

27April01

Be careful that the golden opportunity is not a rusty bucket.

26April01

Strategy will win the war, so make this the first weapon you acquire.

25April01

One measure of a man is how he handles power.

24April01

If winning doesn't matter, why keep score?

23April01

Nothing is forever - even infinity.

22April01

Is "irony" telling a bachelor that he has a creased shirt and a pressing need to get a wife?

21April01

If you get what you want make sure you keep it.

20April 01

The best things in life are free, the ones we desire cost a fortune.

19April01

The impossible is an excuse for something you would rather not do.

18April01

If the drinks are free, someone always takes advantage.

17April01

There are lies, damn lies and politics.

16April01

It is important to retain your values, without forcing them on others.

15April01

There ain't much sense in the 2001 UK census.

14April01

It's always funnier when someone else slips on the banana skin.

13April01

Trust everybody and you are a fool. Trust no-one and you are an even bigger fool.

12April01

You are rarely aware of what people really think of you.

11April01

To entrap someone, just let them do the talking.

10April01

He who listens, learns.

9April01

Confidence is the ingredient that turns losers into winners.

8April01

Expect nothing from life and you'll still be disappointed.

7April01

A man makes a mistake, whereas a woman changes her mind.

6April01

Look on the bright side; you could be dead tomorrow!

5April01

In this modern age we tend to deprive the old of their most valued possession - their dignity.

4April01

The most difficult adversary is the man who is acting on principle.

3April01

My Mum used to say "You'll miss me when I'm dead and gone!" and I do.

2April01

"The government have decided that it is in the public interest ......" is another way of saying "This might be in the Party's best interest for re-election".

1April01

The Japanese have invented a toothbrush that releases an electrical discharge and this dislodges all the plaque. This makes toothpaste obsolete. Honest. And I know it's All Fools' Day.

31March01

I have never heard of a politician who had no knowledge or opinion on any given subject.

30March01

Don't get mad, get even.

29March01

I thought this was funny. Be careful when you dial.

28March01

The mass killing of hundreds of thousands of animals, because of foot and mouth disease, seems as immoral as any war crime, even though most would have eventually been victims of the abattoir.

27March01

Quality beats quantity any day.

26March01

The person you envy is probably as miserable as sin.

25March01

Your best quoted phrases are remembered by others and forgotten by yourself.

24March01

People in high places make more mistakes because others agree with their suggestions.

23March01

Most people make fools of themselves when trying to make a fool of others.

22March01

The tale of Sonia Snell, (with acknowledgments to my Cousin Jim who first recited it to me)

21March01

Spring is nearly here and a young man's thoughts turn to .... cricket!

20March01

Love and hate are both blind.

19March01

Home spun philosophies often get into a tangle.

18March01

Amazingly, however old you become, there is always something new to learn every day, as long as you have an interest in life.

17March01

The sun is there, even if the clouds are obscuring it.

16March01

If pigs could fly I would buy shares in an umbrella factory.

15March01

Fame, fortune and power are of no consequence if a man is morally bankrupt.

14March01

Trust nothing but your own instinct.

13March01

When in Rome, do as the Romans do ..... rape, pillage, feed Christians to the lions and live a life of debauchery???

12March01

Complacency is the mother of all cock-ups!

11March01

Praise from your family is praise indeed! Criticism is welcome; disdain and ridicule are par for the course.

10March01

Sometimes I feel that if I could understand the answer I wouldn't have needed to ask the question.

9March01

Is ten years' experience, in fact, one year's experience times ten?

8March01

Achievement is when something difficult is made to work, from your own efforts.

7March01

You don't need spectacles to look back in hindsight.

6March01

Reality is the world as I see it.

5March01

Every dog has his day.

4March01

Be careful what you ask for, one day you may get it.

3March01

My dog's got no nose. How does it smell? Terrible.

2March01

With foot and mouth disease all over the country, we can't walk our dog in the forest. However, horse racing will still continue, but of course there is money at stake!

1March01

When you ring our local Doctors' surgery and ask for an immediate appointment, why does the receptionist ask if it is urgent? If it wasn't important to me, why would I want to see a doctor?

28February01

Friends are people who help you when you don't ask them.

27February01

"One can die looking for the hope which tomorrow brings." (letter from Chandler, serving life sentence in prison in Mississippi.)

26February01

How come after four years in office, I get a letter from my local councillor. Is it coincidence he wants to be re-elected this year?

25February01

Jessica aged 4: "No I am not asleep, but just resting my eyes."

24February01

If you think I am sad and need to get a life, what about my pal Phil who logs onto this page every day to see what I have written!

23February01

Live every day as if it were your last - (lie in bed in a prone position, coughing and gasping for air!)

22February01

If George W Bush had to locate Iraq on a world map before he sent the bombing missions in, then world peace would be a lot more stable. (Or a lot of other countries would be bombed.)

21February01

Why do we allow those with the least principles to govern us and create laws that decide our own morality.

20February01

If you don't believe in spontaneous combustion, try looking at ants through a magnifying glass on a sunny summer's day.

19February01

When I married Miss Right nobody told me her first name was "Always".

18February01

You never really know someone until you are at war against them.

17February01

They say mud sticks, but it's those who throw it who are dirty.

16February01

Act in haste, repent at leisure.

15February01

Re yesterday's thought - you don't really think I'm that brave / stupid, do you?

14February01

Me: All this fuss about Valentine's Day - you don't have to give someone flowers to prove that you love them.
My wife: You swine, you forgot, didn't you?

13February01

How many times do you want to say something important but the words get in the way?

12February01

Parents always do things that annoy you. When you find yourself doing them it's even more annoying.

11February01

Why do I look so wonderful in the mirror, but so unattractive on video film?

10February01

Why is it that the funniest jokes are those you are unable to remember?

9February01

Running away from a problem doesn't help. Well it does if the problem is a mad bull!

8February01

If life begins at forty it certainly doesn't last very long!

7February01

Getting credit and putting on weight are both easily done. Getting rid is more difficult.

6February01

Mr Royce once said "The quality will remain long after the price has been forgotten"

5February01

The hardest word to pronounce in the English language is "sorry".

4February01

If you set your alarm clock for 4 minutes past 5 this morning you are an idiot, because its Sunday and you could have had a lie in!

3February01

If you set your alarm clock for 4 minutes past 5 this morning you will get 05:04 03/02/01. Wait another hour one minute and four seconds and you will then get 06:05:04 03/02/01.

2February01

I know several people who are millionaires and none of them are happier than me. If I was a millionaire, I would be happier than them!

1February01

Be careful about what you want in life, because one day you may achieve it.

31January 01

If you are making someone bored, stop whatever you are doing immediately.

 
30January01

Oh the kids of today - when I was their age I was much older!

29January01

It is difficult to tell someone you are the best without sounding conceited.

 

28January01

If you enjoy the sound of your own voice, chances are other people don't.

27January01

An expert is someone who has the nerve to charge you for bad advice.

26January01

The most effective form of birth control is the head-ache.

25January01

I have a moral question for you. The situation: you are in the Midwest and there is a huge flood. Homes have been lost, supplies compromised, and infrastructures destroyed. You are taking photographs for a news service, travelling alone, looking for particularly poignant scenes. You come across George W. Bush who has been swept away by the flood waters. He is hanging on to the branch of a tree and is about to go under. You can either put down your camera and save him or take a Pulitzer prizewinning photograph of him as he loses his grip on the branch.

So, here's the question - and think carefully before you answer it: What lens would you use?

24January01

When people ask how I am, why do I always reply "Fine, thank you", even if I'm not?

23January01

Your best friend should be your spouse - (but it's difficult if you are already married.)

22January01

The strongest argument for the abolition of fox hunting are the people who support it.

21January01

I don't believe in reincarnation and I didn't when I was Napoleon.

20January01

Nowadays, important elements of life such as marriage and employment are too often entered into with only a short term commitment.

19January01

Those who have nothing to say usually make sure they tell everbody.

18January01

How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb? Three - one to screw it in and the other two to listen to him brag about the screwing.

17January01

How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb? Only one; he just holds it up there and waits for the world to revolve around him.

16January01

Nothing can surpass the joy of seeing your own new-born baby - or the horror if you didn't know you had one!

15January01

You can always deny what has been said, but a letter can only be open to interpretation.

14January01

Boring people live longer - or at least it seems longer.

13January01

What should you do if you see your husband rolling around in pain on the ground?
Shoot him again.

12January01

It is better to give than receive - especially blame!

11January01

A man's true measure is how he copes with power.

10January01

Good ideas usually arrive when you are not searching for them.

9January01

The higher up the ladder you climb, the more difficult it is to see what is happening at ground level.

8January01

The problem with revenge is that it is difficult to measure the exact dosage.

7January01

A website is like life itself; you can always make some improvements.

6January01

A job is always done better if you are doing it for yourself, or for someone you love.

5January01

Loyalty and water have much in common - they both evaporate when the heat is on.

4January01

The fundemental ingredient missing from modern life must be "fun".

3January01

What doesn't matter to you might be very important to someone else.

2January01

Make a New Year's resolution to count to 100 before you make a criticism of someone. (Count to 1,000 if it is a loved one!)

1January01

Today is 01/01/01 - 20th January will be 20/01/2001 and 10th February 10/02/2001- which is palindromic on UK date system (and nowhere else matters!)

 

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