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31July01 Even when your children get into their twenties or thirties, they are still your "children". 30July01 Sad but true; presentation is more important than content. 29July01 The secret of life is managing not to die! 28July01 Why do politicians travel the world by jet planes and large limos and then meet to discuss fuel conservation? 27July01 It is easy to lose friends, but hard to lose enemies. 26July01 Great minds think alike, and fools never differ. 25July01 Anything will work if you put enough effort into it, but it won't necessarily work properly. 24July01 84% of those surveyed considered all statistics to be reliable but the remaining 27% did not. 23July01 Lord Archer (politician) is imprisoned for telling lies. If this applies to all politicians, who is going to rule us? 22July01 It is not a question of doubting someone's integrity, just establishing the price. 21July01 If you keep things, you never need them. But if you throw something away ........ 20July01 It's not the size of the dog in the fight that matters - it's the size of the fight in the dog. 19July01 The only thing you really earn in life is respect. 18July01 If you think nobody cares about you, try missing a couple of payments. 17July01 Alliances are generally made for pragmatic reasons, rather than from joint ideals. 16July01 Everyone has an angle. Make sure yours is a right angle. 15July01 The truth is most feared by those who rarely use it. 14July01 Don't put yourself down. There are plenty of other people who will do that for you. 13July01 Everyone makes mistakes, but they are my speciality subject. 12July01 To make a complaint, start at the top and work your way down. 11July01 Everyone has a weakness. I just have more than most people. 10July01 Originality is a quality many claim but few achieve. 9July01 Stupid expression. The pen is mightier than the sword. In a fight to the death, I'll take the sword! 8July01 I don't believe it! The TV people came out and I was interviewed. It was the lead story on our local 6 o'clock news. Must have been a slow news day!! 7July01 Until today, I always thought that floods were something that happened to other people on TV.   6July01 If you ask enough questions you will probably stumble across the truth. 5July01 When I was 16 years' old, my parents were really stupid. By the time I had reached 20, they had improved immensely. 4July01 Its so predictable how the unexpected always happens. 3July01 If you throw caution into the wind, it can blow back in your face. 2July01 Experience is my strength, my age is my weakness. 1July01 'Wonderful, but what a shame they built it so close to Heathrow Airport.' - American tourist's comment about Windsor Castle. 30June01 If you don't owe anyone a favour, you haven't got very far. 29June01 The toy that gives the most pleasure often costs the least money. 28June01 The trouble with technology is what is possible often isn't practical. 27June01 A horse goes into a bar. The barman asks, "Why the long face?" 26June01 Why does it take lots of people to change a light bulb? Because many hands make light work. 25June01 Success is a hot dish, that has many wishing to taste it with you. Failure is served cold and consumed alone. 24June01 Time is too slow for those who wait, too swift for those who fear, too long for those who grieve, too short for those who rejoice. But for those who love, time is an eternity. (Henry Van Dyke, quoted by Sam, deceased, formerly of Death Row) 23June01 The road to Hell is paved with good intentions. 22June01 When you have lost everything else, you still have experience. 21June01 Lost dog. Blind, only three legs, canker in ears, mange, worms, lice, ticks, fleas, no teeth, broken tail, emaciated, Answers to the name of "Lucky".

20June01 Our Prime Minister Tony Blair is being shown around an Edinburgh hospital in Scotland. Towards the end of his visit, he is shown into a ward of people with no obvious signs of injury. He greets the first patient and the chap replies: "Fair fa' your honest sonsie face, Great chieftain e' the puddin' race! Aboon them a' ye tak your place, Painch, tripe, or thairm, Weel are ye Wordy o'a grace, As lang's my arm." Tony, being somewhat confused, grins and moves on to the next patient and greets him. He replies: "Some hae meat, and canna eat, And some eat that want it, But we hae meat and we can eat, And sae the Lord be thankit." The third starts rattling off as follows: "Wee sleekit, cow'rin, tim'rous beastie, O, what a panic's in thy breastie! Thou need na start awa sae hasty, Wi bickering brattle!" Tony turns to the doctor accompanying him and asks, "What sort of ward is this, a mental ward?"  "No," replies the doctor, "It's the serious Burns unit." 19June01 Life travels at a fast pace; don't watch it go by. 18June01 A "thought a day" gets difficult after a year! 17June01 Something is only right when you do it to your own satisfaction. 16June01 If you go for enough opportunities you end up rich or bust. 15June01 The only place where success comes before work is in a dictionary. 14June01 Nothing is for nothing, except love and friendship. 13June01 Age is relative. Most of my relatives are old. 12June01 How many men does it take to change a light bulb? Only one, but he takes weeks to do it! 11June01 Why is it whatever you buy, you always find a cheaper offer within a week? 10June01 Sincerity is best used when concealing the truth! 9June01 The only time someone says anything good about you is when you are no longer there to hear it! 8June01 One man's triumph is another's disaster. 7June01 Whoever said talk was cheap doesn't have to pay my telephone bill. 6June01 Too many cooks ... are never a problem for McDonalds. 5June01 Be careful of the knee-jerk reaction; it will make you fall over. 4June01 If you don't at first succeed, then cheat. 3June01 The impossible can always be accomplished if you spend a couple of minutes thinking about how to do it. 2June01 If you don't ask, you probably won't get. 1June01 Those who live in the past don't have much of a future. 31May01 People who always tell the truth don't need to remind you that they are not lying. 30May01 It is always easy to improve on someone else's efforts. 29May01 I was going to start up an "Apathy Party" but I don't think anyone would vote for it, so I'll set up a "Lethargy Party" instead. 28May01 The very best ideas are those that have been stolen from someone else. 27May01 When one door closes, sometimes the others need a little oiling to open. 26May01 It's no use fishing if the pond is dry. 25May01 The truth can only hurt your pride, a lie can hurt your soul. 24May01 If you have to pay a bonus to make someone work harder, then you have employed the wrong person. 23May01 To establish how little you actually do, get someone to sit alongside and watch you work all day. 22May01 A little knowledge is a dangerous thing, but all you need to become a consultant. 21May01 How come when you get the time to do all those jobs you never had time for, you still don't want to do them? 20May01 What is the secret of happiness? Don't be so bloody miserable! 19May01 Think about the answer, before asking the question. 18May01 "Our election strategy needs more punch" said Tony, so Two Jabs Prescott took this to the egg-stream. 17May01 If you stop and write down all the positive aspects of life, you won't have time to record the negative ones. 16May01 Those who expect windfalls should realise that the wind frequently changes direction. 15May01 Don't complain if relatives or friends have not 'phoned or visited you. 'Phone or visit them and get your own back! 14May01 Prejudice is based on ignorance, and we are all ignorant about something. 13May01 There may not be a conspiracy to hide the truth, but the media certainly do their best to muddy the waters. 12May01 You can teach someone almost anything, except experience. 11May01 Never overestimate your opponent. 10May01 Investigate the explanation before making the criticism. 9May01 Tony said "I'm having another election." Cheri misheard what he said, shut her eyes, turned over and pretended she was asleep. (So did the rest of the country.) 8May01 Those who scorn democracy are the first to take what they can from it. 7May01 She asked, "What is a double entendre?" and so he gave her one. 6May01 The first rule of fighting is that there are no rules. 5May01 I stumbled across these pages. They made me laugh. http://www.imsa.edu/~bono/05d/jeet/woman.html and http://www.imsa.edu/~bono/05d/bruce/clinton.html from the same site. 4May01 Memory is selective and should not be confused with what actually happened. 3May01 If there is no answer to a problem, sleep on it and tomorrow there will be. 2May01 Why does everyone else's job seem so simple, when your own is so complex? 1May01 You couldn't make this up. A Focus Group have been consulted as to whether our Prime Minister, Tony Blair, should wear spectacles in public! TO VIEW PREVIOUS THOUGHTS........ Go to "Previous Today's thought"