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31December01

May 2002 be the year we had hoped for in 2001!

30December01

Can it be only two years ago that we asked for peace for the new millenium?

29December01

The bravest man feels the most fear.

28December01

A co-incidence is something that had to happen eventually.

27December01

The three measurements of credit cards are length, width and debt.

26December01

The more complicated the equipment, the less instructions are provided!

25December01

Father (I am) Christmas!

24December01

Don't bother to set the alarm clock tonight - the children will wake you up at 5.30 am!

23December01

If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?

22December01

Everyone buys two week's shopping for Christmas, and the shops are only shut for one day!

21December01

Today's date: 21/12/2001 : 2+1=3, 1+2=3, 2+0+0+1=3.

20December01

Vet: "I'm sorry, I am going to have to put your dog down."
Owner: "Oh no, why?"
Vet: "He's too heavy for me to carry any longer."

19December01

A friend is the person who knows all about you and still likes you.

18December01

Dog needs good home. Likes children, but will eat dog food.

17December01

Christmas presents. What we give we cannot afford. What we get is what someone else cannot afford.

16December01

Did you realise that Santa is an anagram of Satan? Is Saint Nick really Old Nick? Spooky!

15December01

Wise men have something to say; fools have to say something.

14December01

I am not concerned or worried about dying, but I shall find it rather inconvenient.

13December01

Most job offers arrive when you are already in work.

12December01

If I had my time again I would place the bets on different horses!

11December01

You cannot beat the love of a good woman, although the wife will surely disapprove!

10December01

There are more flying elephants than sincere apologies.

9December01

If we have free speech, why are there phone bills?

8December01

Always be planning for the day after tomorrow.

7December01

Sticker worn by US Marines: "It's God's responsibility to forgive Bin Laden.... It's our responsibility to arrange the meeting!"

6December01

Nothing is so unexpected as death.

5December01

The only time a bank will lend you money is when you don't need it.

4December01

To announce something publicly, tell one person in confidence.

3December01

Make God laugh - plan for the future.

2December01

I finally managed to teach my dog to beg. Last night he came home with £35.

1December01

Is expensive underwear a rip-off?

30November01

If a dog is a man's best friend, where does that leave the wife?

29November01

It is not the oath that makes you believe the man, but the man the oath.

28November01

Why does it take genius to invent the obvious?

27November01

Customer Service Sign: "Helen Waite is now in charge of all rush orders. If you are in a hurry, just go to Helen Waite."

26November01

Expectation is often better than fulfillment.

25November01

It takes both sunshine and rain to make a rainbow.

24November01

If business is poor, but you haven't changed anything from last year, maybe that is the problem.

23November01

Never tell your friends anything which you don't want your enemies to know.

22November01

He who bargains often gets the worse deal.

21November01

A problem shared gives someone else something to worry about!

20November01

Forgive your enemies, but never forget their names.

19November01

I'm convinced God put me here to accomplish a certain number of things; right now, I'm so far behind I'll never die!

18November01

The sweetest success is first time around.

17November01

Often "more" is "less".

16Novemebr01

The best revenge is when the recipient doesn't know it's you!

15November01

To make mistakes is human; to stumble is commonplace; to be able to laugh at yourself is maturity.

14November01

The best picture in the world is signed "To Da, love from Jessica."

13November01

A well typed letter doesn't make the content better, but it often means the contents are read.

12November01

Over confidence is often a sign of insecurity.

11November01

If you are not part of the answer, perhaps you are part of the problem.

10November01

Never marry a tennis player, as love means nothing.

9November01

When you come to a bend in life's journey, it's not the end of the road..... unless you fail to change your direction.

8November01

The most important thing a father can do for his children is to love their mother.

7November01

Today's bargain is tomorrow's throw-a-way.

6November01

A dyslexic pimp bought a warehouse.

5November01

It's not what you've got, but what others perceive you have, that has influence.

4November01

The difference between ordinary and extraordinary is that little extra.

3November01

A dyslexic man walked into a bra.

2November01

Tony Blair: "I don't make predictions. I never have and I never will."

1November01

It's tough on chickens that more are eaten before they are born than after they die.

31October01

You will always find the time to do something if it interests you.

30October01

Cemeteries are full of indispensable people.

29October01

It is easy to excel at the mediocre.

28October01

The trouble with the rat-race is that if you win you're still a rat.

27October01

What happens if you stop advertising? Nothing.

26October01

Great ideas always come when you haven't got a pencil or paper at hand.

25October01

Pride may come before a fall, but without it you are nothing.

24October01

A good scapegoat is nearly as welcome as a solution to the problem.

23October01

Remember that everyone is better than you at something, but nobody is better than you.

22October01

I believe in questioning authority up until a certain point, and that point is reached when I am the authority.

21October01

Heaven and Hell are both here on Earth and we each experience a little of both.

20October01

Justifying a lie isn't difficult. It's justifying the lie you told to justify the first lie that gets complicated!

19October01

If you ever wondered why somebody doesn't do something about it, then realize you are somebody.

18October01

If you always take things close to the wire, one day you will trip over it!

17October01

No one is purfect.

16October01

Far better to have a glorious life than a glorious death.

15October01

Do you ever stop to think, and forget to start again?

14October01

Why is there no alternative to the word "thesaurus"?

13October01

You know things are getting serious when you have lots of "old" friends.

12October01

The two rules to success in life:

1. Don't tell people everything you know.

11October01

The Irish Army surrounded a department store in Dublin after acting on a tip off that Bed Linen was on the second floor. The next day they raided the ground floor looking for Bin Liners.

10October01

I get enough exercise just pushing my luck.

9October01

If at first you don't succeed, skydiving isn't for you.

8October01

Most of today's problems are caused because none of us care enough.

7October01

A man who can admit he is wrong is usually being told so by his wife.

6October01

History is what the government of the day wants you to believe really happened.

5October01

Man goes into pub and sees Van Gough sitting at bar. "Can I buy you a drink?" asks man. "No thanks", says Van Hough, "I've got one 'ere".

4October01

I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.

3October01

Instant solutions often only last an instant.

2October01

Pride comes before a fool.

1October01

"Meditation" is taking an aspirin when I have a bad cold.

30September01

I am a great believer in DIY. When my wife asks me to do something, I say "Do it yourself!"

29September01

If something needs instructions, then it is probably too complicated for most users!

28September01

Even the world's cleverest man is probably stupid to his children!

27September01

A wise man checks all he is told by seeing for himself.

26September01

Tell someone they made a good profit and they won't query it. Tell someone they have made any loss and they will check every figure.

25September01

'Fastest Finger First' question on Irish "Who Wants to be a Millionaire." Put the following into alphabetical order: A -"a", B -"b",C -"c",D -"d".

24September01

Heaven is where the police are British, the cooks are French, the engineers are German, the administrators are Swiss and the lovers are Italian. Hell is where the police are German, the cooks are British, the engineers are Italian, the administrators are French and the lovers are Swiss.

23September01

A Wise Man can see more from the bottom of a well than a Fool can see from the top of a mountain.

22September01

Famous last words: What happens if you touch these two wires togeth--ahhhhhhhhhh!!!!

21September01

The more you say, the less others listen.

 
20September01

In the 1950's, the radio programme "Life with the Lyons" featured Bebe Daniels, who always told her age as "32". I could never see the joke, as 32 was really old to me. Now my daughter is 31, I think it even less funny!!!!!

19September01

Of course I'm in shape. Isn't "Round" a shape?

18September01

Why is anybody driving slower than you an idiot, and anyone driving faster than you a maniac?

17September01

When you get exactly what you want in life, make sure you don't throw it away.

16September01

Revenge is sweet, but spite is sour.

15September01

Don't get mad, get even.

14September01

It takes the destruction of the forest fire to release the new seed of the Redwood tree.

13September01

In life's bleakest hours there is hope for a better future.

12September01

If you show sympathy you care. If you have empathy you feel.

11September01

The evil that men do lives after them. (Shakespeare)
Some dates are etched in history due to their notoriety.

10September01

It's better to stand for something than to fall for anything.

9September01

How can you be alone with somebody?

8September01

We You all make mistakes.

7September01

The secret of success is sincerity. Once you can fake that, you have it made.

6September01

The greater the success, the higher the disappointment that follows. The smaller the success the higher the disappointment at the time!

5September01

Once you accept that life ain't fair, then it becomes much more liveable.

4September01

There are those who talk a lot and those who do a lot.

3September01

A friend in need ....... probably wants to borrow money!

2September01

Murray Walker: "It's 8 minutes past the hour here at Spa, well it's 8 minutes past the hour all over the world, but it's a different hour here at Spa."

1September01

"So far, so good" as the man said as he fell down the well.

31August01

Just when you are about to give up, something happens to make you glad you didn't.

30August01

It is never too late to be what you might have been.

29August01

If the enemy is within range ....so are you!

28August01

People are never too busy to tell you all that they have to do.

27August01

A hot air balloon crashed into electric pylons in France yesterday, killing all six occupants. That is really spooky......

26August01

If you fell out of a balloon at 1/3rd mile high it would take you exactly 10 seconds to hit the ground, by which time you would be travelling at 218 mph. On the other hand, people have died falling out of bed.

25August01

A paper on factors associated with deaths and injuries from hot-air balloon crashes says that "In univariate analysis, collision with the ground was the most significant predictor of fatality or serious injury ." Well, fancy that!

24August01

23August01

It's a fact. My pal Phil, who has just been given a hot air balloon flight as a present for his 50th birthday. will have read yesterday's "thought" and now be wetting himself (or similar). [And very few aircraft have died in hot air balloon crashes.]

22August01

It's a fact. More people have died in hot air balloon crashes than aircraft over the past 100 years.

21August01

Those who have everything appreciate nothing.

20August01

If I'm boring you, chances are it's mutual.

19August01

There is more praying to God to get out of the mess, than thanking him for keeping out of it.

18August01

Luck is something others have acquired that you deserve.

17August01

Beware the red mists of anger, as they obscure all reason.

16August01

A good idea is the one you thought of, whereas the brilliant idea was mine.

15August01

Today is yesterday's future and so far the future is promising.

14August01

There are two kinds of people. Those who always finish what they have started and

13August01

It is comforting to know every letter you send to your adversary's solicitor costs him money!

12August01

Love thine enemy - but only after you have got even!

11August01

Only listen to your critic if he can do it better than you, or if she is your wife.

10August01

Listen carefully to advice given - then do the opposite!

9August01

I always say if you have a complaint, then go and see a doctor.

8August01

All men make mistakes, but married men find out about them sooner.

7August01

An option left open is a remaining opportunity.

6August01

We all wish to live for ever, but no-one wants to grow old.

5August01

He who jumps into the water first is likely to be the first eaten by the sharks.

4August01

With your efforts and my genius, we cannot fail to succeed.

3August01

Our grandchildren are wonderful - we should have had them first.

2August01

If life is a journey, it is on ice. Some slip, slide and fall all over the place, others just skate through it.

1August01

The most difficult thing is to sell at the right price. Too low and you denigrate the product - too high and nobody buys.

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