May 2002 be the year we had hoped for in 2001!
Can it be only two years ago that we asked for peace for the new millenium?
The bravest man feels the most fear.
A co-incidence is something that had to happen eventually.
The three measurements of credit cards are length, width and debt.
The more complicated the equipment, the less instructions are provided!
Father (I am) Christmas!
Don't bother to set the alarm clock tonight - the children will wake you up at 5.30 am!
If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?
Everyone buys two week's shopping for Christmas, and the shops are only shut for one day!
Today's date: 21/12/2001 : 2+1=3, 1+2=3, 2+0+0+1=3.
"I'm sorry, I am going to have to put your dog down."
A friend is the person who knows all about you and still likes you.
Dog needs good home. Likes children, but will eat dog food.
Christmas presents. What we give we cannot afford. What we get is what someone else cannot afford.
Did you realise that Santa is an anagram of Satan? Is Saint Nick really Old Nick? Spooky!
Wise men have something to say; fools have to say something.
I am not concerned or worried about dying, but I shall find it rather inconvenient.
Most job offers arrive when you are already in work.
If I had my time again I would place the bets on different horses!
You cannot beat the love of a good woman, although the wife will surely disapprove!
There are more flying elephants than sincere apologies.
If we have free speech, why are there phone bills?
Always be planning for the day after tomorrow.
Sticker worn by US Marines: "It's God's responsibility to forgive Bin Laden.... It's our responsibility to arrange the meeting!"
Nothing is so unexpected as death.
The only time a bank will lend you money is when you don't need it.
To announce something publicly, tell one person in confidence.
Make God laugh - plan for the future.
I finally managed to teach my dog to beg. Last night he came home with £35.
Is expensive underwear a rip-off?
If a dog is a man's best friend, where does that leave the wife?
It is not the oath that makes you believe the man, but the man the oath.
Why does it take genius to invent the obvious?
Customer Service Sign: "Helen Waite is now in charge of all rush orders. If you are in a hurry, just go to Helen Waite."
Expectation is often better than fulfillment.
It takes both sunshine and rain to make a rainbow.
If business is poor, but you haven't changed anything from last year, maybe that is the problem.
Never tell your friends anything which you don't want your enemies to know.
He who bargains often gets the worse deal.
A problem shared gives someone else something to worry about!
Forgive your enemies, but never forget their names.
I'm convinced God put me here to accomplish a certain number of things; right now, I'm so far behind I'll never die!
The sweetest success is first time around.
Often "more" is "less".
The best revenge is when the recipient doesn't know it's you!
To make mistakes is human; to stumble is commonplace; to be able to laugh at yourself is maturity.
The best picture in the world is signed "To Da, love from Jessica."
A well typed letter doesn't make the content better, but it often means the contents are read.
Over confidence is often a sign of insecurity.
If you are not part of the answer, perhaps you are part of the problem.
Never marry a tennis player, as love means nothing.
When you come to a bend in life's journey, it's not the end of the road..... unless you fail to change your direction.
The most important thing a father can do for his children is to love their mother.
Today's bargain is tomorrow's throw-a-way.
A dyslexic pimp bought a warehouse.
It's not what you've got, but what others perceive you have, that has influence.
The difference between ordinary and extraordinary is that little extra.
A dyslexic man walked into a bra.
Tony Blair: "I don't make predictions. I never have and I never will."
It's tough on chickens that more are eaten before they are born than after they die.
You will always find the time to do something if it interests you.
Cemeteries are full of indispensable people.
It is easy to excel at the mediocre.
The trouble with the rat-race is that if you win you're still a rat.
What happens if you stop advertising? Nothing.
Great ideas always come when you haven't got a pencil or paper at hand.
Pride may come before a fall, but without it you are nothing.
A good scapegoat is nearly as welcome as a solution to the problem.
Remember that everyone is better than you at something, but nobody is better than you.
I believe in questioning authority up until a certain point, and that point is reached when I am the authority.
Heaven and Hell are both here on Earth and we each experience a little of both.
Justifying a lie isn't difficult. It's justifying the lie you told to justify the first lie that gets complicated!
If you ever wondered why somebody doesn't do something about it, then realize you are somebody.
If you always take things close to the wire, one day you will trip over it!
No one is purfect.
Far better to have a glorious life than a glorious death.
Do you ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
Why is there no alternative to the word "thesaurus"?
You know things are getting serious when you have lots of "old" friends.
The two rules to success in life:
1. Don't tell people everything you know.
The Irish Army surrounded a department store in Dublin after acting on a tip off that Bed Linen was on the second floor. The next day they raided the ground floor looking for Bin Liners.
I get enough exercise just pushing my luck.
If at first you don't succeed, skydiving isn't for you.
Most of today's problems are caused because none of us care enough.
A man who can admit he is wrong is usually being told so by his wife.
History is what the government of the day wants you to believe really happened.
Man goes into pub and sees Van Gough sitting at bar. "Can I buy you a drink?" asks man. "No thanks", says Van Hough, "I've got one 'ere".
I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.
Instant solutions often only last an instant.
Pride comes before a fool.
"Meditation" is taking an aspirin when I have a bad cold.
I am a great believer in DIY. When my wife asks me to do something, I say "Do it yourself!"
If something needs instructions, then it is probably too complicated for most users!
Even the world's cleverest man is probably stupid to his children!
A wise man checks all he is told by seeing for himself.
Tell someone they made a good profit and they won't query it. Tell someone they have made any loss and they will check every figure.
'Fastest Finger First' question on Irish "Who Wants to be a Millionaire." Put the following into alphabetical order: A -"a", B -"b",C -"c",D -"d".
Heaven is where the police are British, the cooks are French, the engineers are German, the administrators are Swiss and the lovers are Italian. Hell is where the police are German, the cooks are British, the engineers are Italian, the administrators are French and the lovers are Swiss.
A Wise Man can see more from the bottom of a well than a Fool can see from the top of a mountain.
Famous last words: What happens if you touch these two wires togeth--ahhhhhhhhhh!!!!
The more you say, the less others listen.
In the 1950's, the radio programme "Life with the Lyons" featured Bebe Daniels, who always told her age as "32". I could never see the joke, as 32 was really old to me. Now my daughter is 31, I think it even less funny!!!!!
Of course I'm in shape. Isn't "Round" a shape?
Why is anybody driving slower than you an idiot, and anyone driving faster than you a maniac?
When you get exactly what you want in life, make sure you don't throw it away.
Revenge is sweet, but spite is sour.
Don't get mad, get even.
It takes the destruction of the forest fire to release the new seed of the Redwood tree.
In life's bleakest hours there is hope for a better future.
If you show sympathy you care. If you have empathy you feel.
evil that men do lives after them. (Shakespeare)
It's better to stand for something than to fall for anything.
How can you be alone with somebody?
The secret of success is sincerity. Once you can fake that, you have it made.
The greater the success, the higher the disappointment that follows. The smaller the success the higher the disappointment at the time!
Once you accept that life ain't fair, then it becomes much more liveable.
There are those who talk a lot and those who do a lot.
A friend in need ....... probably wants to borrow money!
Murray Walker: "It's 8 minutes past the hour here at Spa, well it's 8 minutes past the hour all over the world, but it's a different hour here at Spa."
"So far, so good" as the man said as he fell down the well.
Just when you are about to give up, something happens to make you glad you didn't.
It is never too late to be what you might have been.
If the enemy is within range ....so are you!
People are never too busy to tell you all that they have to do.
A hot air balloon crashed into electric pylons in France yesterday, killing all six occupants. That is really spooky......
If you fell out of a balloon at 1/3rd mile high it would take you exactly 10 seconds to hit the ground, by which time you would be travelling at 218 mph. On the other hand, people have died falling out of bed.
A paper on factors associated with deaths and injuries from hot-air balloon crashes says that "In univariate analysis, collision with the ground was the most significant predictor of fatality or serious injury ." Well, fancy that!
It's a fact. My pal Phil, who has just been given a hot air balloon flight as a present for his 50th birthday. will have read yesterday's "thought" and now be wetting himself (or similar). [And very few aircraft have died in hot air balloon crashes.]
It's a fact. More people have died in hot air balloon crashes than aircraft over the past 100 years.
Those who have everything appreciate nothing.
If I'm boring you, chances are it's mutual.
There is more praying to God to get out of the mess, than thanking him for keeping out of it.
Luck is something others have acquired that you deserve.
Beware the red mists of anger, as they obscure all reason.
A good idea is the one you thought of, whereas the brilliant idea was mine.
Today is yesterday's future and so far the future is promising.
There are two kinds of people. Those who always finish what they have started and
It is comforting to know every letter you send to your adversary's solicitor costs him money!
Love thine enemy - but only after you have got even!
Only listen to your critic if he can do it better than you, or if she is your wife.
Listen carefully to advice given - then do the opposite!
I always say if you have a complaint, then go and see a doctor.
All men make mistakes, but married men find out about them sooner.
An option left open is a remaining opportunity.
We all wish to live for ever, but no-one wants to grow old.
He who jumps into the water first is likely to be the first eaten by the sharks.
With your efforts and my genius, we cannot fail to succeed.
Our grandchildren are wonderful - we should have had them first.
If life is a journey, it is on ice. Some slip, slide and fall all over the place, others just skate through it.
The most difficult thing is to sell at the right price. Too low and you denigrate the product - too high and nobody buys.
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