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30June02

Why is "abbreviated" such a long word?

29June02

Do you know why they call it "PMS"?
Because "Mad Cow Disease" was taken.

28June02

How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?
Who knows? It never happened.

27June02

Why is it that doctors call what they do "practice"?

26June02

Your inferiority complex is more important than mine.

25June02

Only a woman could spend her time on the Internet, while waiting for phone calls, then wonder why no-one phones her.

24June02

Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?

23June02

Why don't you ever see the headline "Psychic Wins Lottery"?

22June02

Oh dear, we are out of the World Cup. Don't blame the goalkeeper - by far the best team on the day won.

21June02

Why is it that to stop Windows 98, you have to click on "Start"?

20June02

Two years' worth of Today's Thought. Then England were knocked out of the European Cup........ things are getting better!

19June02

The proof of the pudding is not in the eating. It's when you get on the scales at Weight Watchers!

18June02

Boredom is the curse of the thinking classes.

17June02

If at first you don't succeed, then cheat a little!

16June02

The best way to learn something is to work it out for yourself.

15June02

They weren't that "great" and nothing saved their bacon.

14June02

England only need to win 4 more matches to win the World Cup. They only need to lose 1 match to be out of the competition!!!

13June02

They gave a dope test to all of the Irish Football Team and they passed with flying colours.

12June02

The good listener is the most interesting person at the party.

11June02

Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

10June02

If your schooldays were the happiest of your life, then you live a sad life!

9June02

On losing to England, Argentina's players spat and swore at ours and refused to swop shirts. What a morally bankrupt nation.

8June02

How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign?

7June02

The best advice you can give someone is to tell them not to listen to other people's advice.

6June02

You don't have to be clever to receive good advice.

5June02

There are two sides to every argument - my side and the wrong side.

4June02

Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?

3June02

Britain can't make up it's mind whether the flags and the bunting are for the Queen's Jubilee or the England World Cup squad.

2June02

Why do other people's problems seem to me more important than mine?

1June02

One nice thing about egotists: they don't talk about other people.

31May02

The more time you have free, the less time you seem to have to spend.

30May02

If the "black box" flight recorder is never damaged during a plane crash, why isn't the whole damn airplane made out of that stuff?

29May02

It's OK to be part of the furniture, as long as you aren't the door mat.

28May02

What was the best thing before sliced bread?

27May02

If you always tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything!

26May02

Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?

25May02

Is there another word for synonym?

24May02

If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him ... is he still wrong?

23May02

Sign in cafe: "Everyone who enters this place makes us happy. Some when they arrive, some when they leave."

22May02

What if there were no hypothetical questions?

1May02 - 21May02

I am not indispensable, but some things will not get done if I am not around.

30April02

You are the proof that you parents also made mistakes.

29April02

If we didn't have language, no one could be misunderstood.

28April02

Although my memory gets worse as I get older, my memories improve.

27April02

Free speech means you can say whatever the Government likes.

26April02

The early cat catches the early bird.

25April02

Why do people always charge you to save you money?

24April02

There are causes of a "misunderstanding". Either someone is wrong or someone's thoughts have moved on.

23April02

When other people are wrong it is surprising how often this is due to "a misunderstanding". Whereas, I am never wrong.

22April02

Brides wear white or cream because that is the colour of most household appliances.

21April02

Those who say they are too busy usually take the longest lunch hours.

20April02

34 years married today. A wonderful and happy marriage - until we walked down the aisle!

19April02

The most valuable thing you can give is your time and attention.

18April02

It is better to understand than to be understood. You may ask "What does this mean?"
Exactly!

17April02

I tried to back up my hard drive, but couldn't get it into reverse!

16April02

Boredom at work is preferable to unemployment.

15April02

You cannot teach someone the secret of good taste.

14April02

Q. What is greater than God, more evil than the Devil, the poor have it, the rich want it, and if you eat it you die?

A. Nothing.

13April02

The reason I am overweight is my low intake of (moral) fibre.

12April02

Discount is something that the Retailer adds on before taking off.

11April02

If you can't take criticism don't get married.

10April02

People who don't smoke or drink live longer - or it seems longer.

9April02

To avoid paying death duties, stay alive.

8April02

Why don't companies have direct dial numbers for each department, instead of that annoying machine that tells you to press numbers from 1 to 9 for the section and then again for the service you want. You listen to 8 numbers you don't want and you still end up talking to the same person!

7April02

You only live one life, but you may dream many.

6April02

Money isn't everything, but it will do until something else comes along.

5April02

Wisdom will lead you where experience has not travelled.

4April02

A secret is something you only tell to people who you hope won't repeat it to the person who told you.

3April02

The cost of free speech depends on how much the judge awards for libel.

2April02

Why do betting shops have three pay in windows, but only one to pay out?

1April02

Nothing is impossible, except this damn Windows system.

31March02

If at first you don't succeed, redefine success.

30March02

He who finds happiness has probably looked for it.

29March02

If you get poor service, complain. This will ensure you get no further help whatsoever.

28March02

Nowadays, expensive logos attempt to mitigate poor quality or bad service.

27March02

If you wait until tomorrow to enjoy life, one day you will have died yesterday.

26March02

Instruction books are written by people who think you already know how to work the damn thing.

25March02

A Welshman is an Irishman who can't swim.

24March02

All warrantees expire upon full payment of invoice.

23March02

Why does Christmas come when the shops are so busy?

22March02

The art of being a parent is sleeping when the baby isn't looking.

21March02

A Bank is an organisation that gives out umbrellas on a sunny day and demands them back at the first sign of rain.

20March02

Doing it is more important than knowing it.

19March02

Anyone can admit they were wrong; it is a lot harder to admit it to someone else!

18March02

If you can't laugh at yourself, it's probably because everyone else is laughing at you!

17March02

Luck is something that others had and I deserved.

16March02

So President Bush thinks that the election of President Mugabe was farcical? That's a bit rich - remember Florida?

15March02

Don't worry about fair weather friends. It's the people who befriend you when they are having a bad time that cause a problem!

14March02

Pop stars of today even mime out of tune.

13March02

Try to learn something new every day and you will have a richer life.

12March02

If you only insult the people you like, then your insults are compliments.

11March02

The younger the mind, the more the potential.

10March02

No matter where you go, there you are!

9March02

How can it be single figures?

8March02

Mostly, people die after they quit smoking!

7March02

In the 1950's "PC" stood for "Police Constable", in the 1980's it was "Personal Computer", now it is "Politically Correct". Some things don't improve.

6March02

Marriage is the process of finding out what kind of man your wife would have preferred.

5March02

Personal magnetism is that indefinable something that allows us to get by without ability.

4March02

The undertaker - he'll be the last person to let you down.

3March02

Spike Milligan's own epitath: "I told you I was ill!"

2March02

The most reliable thing in life is the knowledge that someone is about to let you down.

1March02

You never realise how short a month is until you start paying alimony.

28February02

If you search for the truth, don't be disappointed when you find it.

27February02

You owe it to yourself to be a success ... from then on, you owe it to the Inland Revenue.

26February02

I believe that honesty is the best policy and that money isn't everything. Mind you I have been wrong about a few other things as well!

25February02

If exercise is healthy, why do most athletes retire before thirty?

24February02

Women like to marry a man with spirit, it gives them something to break.

23February02

You should not confuse your career with your life.

22February2002

Make excellence the norm.

21February2002

You can lead a fool to wisdom but you can't make him think.

20February2002

At 2 minutes past 8 o'clock this evening there is the palindrome of the century, with date and time. 20:02-20.02.2002. Wow!

19February02

Sanity is a playground for the unimaginative.

18February02

If Walmart is lowering prices every day, how come nothing is free yet?

17February02

Learn from the mistakes of others. You can't live long enough to make them all yourself.

16February02

Why is it that when I need a small part for my car/washing machine/anything, on my model it always needs the complete replacement unit?

15February02

I wish the buck stopped here. I could use a few.

14February02

One hundred percent of all divorces start with marriage.

13February02

If by moving the clocks forward, we keep the sun up one hour longer, why don't we move the clocks forward 12 hours and keep the sun up for ever?

12February02

You will never find anybody who can give you a clear and compelling reason why we observe daylight-savings time.

11February02

Everything should be made as simple as possible, but no simpler.

10February02

No matter what happens, somebody will find a way to take it too seriously.

9February02

Happiness comes through doors you didn't even know you left open.

8February02

A truly happy person is one who can enjoy the scenery on a detour.

7 February02

Some mistakes are too much fun to only make once.

6February02

Happiness isn't getting what you want, it's wanting what you got.

5February02

Don't cry because it's over; smile because it happened.

4February02

If ignorance is bliss, why aren't more people happy?

3February02

If quitters never win, and winners never quit, what fool came up with, "Quit while you're ahead"?

2February02

If you want breakfast in bed, sleep in the kitchen!

1February02

The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion, economic status or ethnic background, is that, deep down inside, we ALL believe that we are above-average drivers.

31January02

The most powerful force in the universe is gossip.

30January02

Living on Earth is expensive, but it does include a free trip around the sun every year.

29January02

People who want to share their religious views with you almost never want you to share yours with them.

28January02

A pair of Michigan robbers entered a record shop nervously waving revolvers. The first one shouted, "Nobody move!" When his partner moved, the startled first bandit shot him.

27Janaury02

Birthdays are good for you; the more you have, the longer you're alive.

26January02

How long a minute is depends on what side of the bathroom door you're on.

25January02

Error Message: "WARNING: Keyboard Not Attached. Press F10 to Continue."

24January02

An English professor wrote the words, "Woman without her man is nothing," on the blackboard and directed the students to punctuate it correctly.
The men wrote: "Woman, without her man, is nothing."
The women wrote: "Woman! Without her, man is nothing."

23January02

Even a mosquito doesn't get a slap on the back until it starts to work.

22January02

Preparation is usually achieved through extreme perspiration.

21January02

Why listen to someone else's advice, when you are perfectly capable of making mistakes on your own?

20January02

Yet another palindromic date, 20/1/02.

19Janaury02

Three words can sum up what most people learn from life: not a lot.

18January02

Three words can sum up life: it goes on.

17January02

30% fun of a holiday or special event is planning, 50% is doing and 20% is remembering.

16January02

Don't be afraid of missing opportunities. Behind every failure is an opportunity somebody wishes they had missed.

15January02

You can lead a fool to wisdom but you can't make him think.

14January02

Boasting is thinking you are good; confidence is knowing you are good.

13January02

Life is a journey. You can plan it from a map, but you don't know where the steep hills are.

12January02

An Englishman, a Scotsman and an Irishman walk into a bar. The barman asks, "Is this a joke?"

11January02

If God had wanted us to believe in him, he would have left clearer instructions.

10January02

You realise life is slipping by, when a friend who is only a year older than you has another birthday.

9January02

Others either over estimate your abilities or disregard them.

8January02

Wasn't life much simpler when the Gas company didn't supply electricity and vice versa?

7January02

People would enjoy life more if when they had got something, they could remember how much they once wanted it!

6January02

When signwriters go on strike, is anything written on their picket signs?

5January02

If your opponent is holding all the cards, why not decide to play chess?

4January02

Most bosses look for pliability rather than ability from employees.

3January02

Now we are all back to work we can look forward to next Christmas.

2January02

The first palindromic date of many this year, being 2/1/2.

1January02

My resolution this year is not to make any.

 

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