Why is "abbreviated" such a long word?
you know why they call it "PMS"?
many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?
Why is it that doctors call what they do "practice"?
Your inferiority complex is more important than mine.
Only a woman could spend her time on the Internet, while waiting for phone calls, then wonder why no-one phones her.
Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?
Why don't you ever see the headline "Psychic Wins Lottery"?
Oh dear, we are out of the World Cup. Don't blame the goalkeeper - by far the best team on the day won.
Why is it that to stop Windows 98, you have to click on "Start"?
Two years' worth of Today's Thought. Then England were knocked out of the European Cup........ things are getting better!
The proof of the pudding is not in the eating. It's when you get on the scales at Weight Watchers!
Boredom is the curse of the thinking classes.
If at first you don't succeed, then cheat a little!
The best way to learn something is to work it out for yourself.
They weren't that "great" and nothing saved their bacon.
England only need to win 4 more matches to win the World Cup. They only need to lose 1 match to be out of the competition!!!
They gave a dope test to all of the Irish Football Team and they passed with flying colours.
The good listener is the most interesting person at the party.
Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
If your schooldays were the happiest of your life, then you live a sad life!
On losing to England, Argentina's players spat and swore at ours and refused to swop shirts. What a morally bankrupt nation.
How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign?
The best advice you can give someone is to tell them not to listen to other people's advice.
You don't have to be clever to receive good advice.
There are two sides to every argument - my side and the wrong side.
Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
Britain can't make up it's mind whether the flags and the bunting are for the Queen's Jubilee or the England World Cup squad.
Why do other people's problems seem to me more important than mine?
One nice thing about egotists: they don't talk about other people.
The more time you have free, the less time you seem to have to spend.
If the "black box" flight recorder is never damaged during a plane crash, why isn't the whole damn airplane made out of that stuff?
It's OK to be part of the furniture, as long as you aren't the door mat.
What was the best thing before sliced bread?
If you always tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything!
Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?
Is there another word for synonym?
If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him ... is he still wrong?
Sign in cafe: "Everyone who enters this place makes us happy. Some when they arrive, some when they leave."
What if there were no hypothetical questions?
1May02 - 21May02
I am not indispensable, but some things will not get done if I am not around.
You are the proof that you parents also made mistakes.
If we didn't have language, no one could be misunderstood.
Although my memory gets worse as I get older, my memories improve.
Free speech means you can say whatever the Government likes.
The early cat catches the early bird.
Why do people always charge you to save you money?
There are causes of a "misunderstanding". Either someone is wrong or someone's thoughts have moved on.
When other people are wrong it is surprising how often this is due to "a misunderstanding". Whereas, I am never wrong.
Brides wear white or cream because that is the colour of most household appliances.
Those who say they are too busy usually take the longest lunch hours.
34 years married today. A wonderful and happy marriage - until we walked down the aisle!
The most valuable thing you can give is your time and attention.
It is better to
understand than to be understood. You may ask "What does this mean?"
I tried to back up my hard drive, but couldn't get it into reverse!
Boredom at work is preferable to unemployment.
You cannot teach someone the secret of good taste.
Q. What is greater than God, more evil than the Devil, the poor have it, the rich want it, and if you eat it you die?
The reason I am overweight is my low intake of (moral) fibre.
Discount is something that the Retailer adds on before taking off.
If you can't take criticism don't get married.
People who don't smoke or drink live longer - or it seems longer.
To avoid paying death duties, stay alive.
Why don't companies have direct dial numbers for each department, instead of that annoying machine that tells you to press numbers from 1 to 9 for the section and then again for the service you want. You listen to 8 numbers you don't want and you still end up talking to the same person!
You only live one life, but you may dream many.
Money isn't everything, but it will do until something else comes along.
Wisdom will lead you where experience has not travelled.
A secret is something you only tell to people who you hope won't repeat it to the person who told you.
The cost of free speech depends on how much the judge awards for libel.
Why do betting shops have three pay in windows, but only one to pay out?
Nothing is impossible, except this damn Windows system.
If at first you don't succeed, redefine success.
He who finds happiness has probably looked for it.
If you get poor service, complain. This will ensure you get no further help whatsoever.
Nowadays, expensive logos attempt to mitigate poor quality or bad service.
If you wait until tomorrow to enjoy life, one day you will have died yesterday.
Instruction books are written by people who think you already know how to work the damn thing.
A Welshman is an Irishman who can't swim.
All warrantees expire upon full payment of invoice.
Why does Christmas come when the shops are so busy?
The art of being a parent is sleeping when the baby isn't looking.
A Bank is an organisation that gives out umbrellas on a sunny day and demands them back at the first sign of rain.
Doing it is more important than knowing it.
Anyone can admit they were wrong; it is a lot harder to admit it to someone else!
If you can't laugh at yourself, it's probably because everyone else is laughing at you!
Luck is something that others had and I deserved.
So President Bush thinks that the election of President Mugabe was farcical? That's a bit rich - remember Florida?
Don't worry about fair weather friends. It's the people who befriend you when they are having a bad time that cause a problem!
Pop stars of today even mime out of tune.
Try to learn something new every day and you will have a richer life.
If you only insult the people you like, then your insults are compliments.
The younger the mind, the more the potential.
No matter where you go, there you are!
How can it be single figures?
Mostly, people die after they quit smoking!
In the 1950's "PC" stood for "Police Constable", in the 1980's it was "Personal Computer", now it is "Politically Correct". Some things don't improve.
Marriage is the process of finding out what kind of man your wife would have preferred.
Personal magnetism is that indefinable something that allows us to get by without ability.
The undertaker - he'll be the last person to let you down.
Spike Milligan's own epitath: "I told you I was ill!"
The most reliable thing in life is the knowledge that someone is about to let you down.
You never realise how short a month is until you start paying alimony.
If you search for the truth, don't be disappointed when you find it.
You owe it to yourself to be a success ... from then on, you owe it to the Inland Revenue.
I believe that honesty is the best policy and that money isn't everything. Mind you I have been wrong about a few other things as well!
If exercise is healthy, why do most athletes retire before thirty?
Women like to marry a man with spirit, it gives them something to break.
You should not confuse your career with your life.
Make excellence the norm.
You can lead a fool to wisdom but you can't make him think.
At 2 minutes past 8 o'clock this evening there is the palindrome of the century, with date and time. 20:02-20.02.2002. Wow!
Sanity is a playground for the unimaginative.
Walmart is lowering prices every day, how come nothing is free yet?
Learn from the mistakes of others. You can't live long enough to make them all yourself.
Why is it that when I need a small part for my car/washing machine/anything, on my model it always needs the complete replacement unit?
I wish the buck stopped here. I could use a few.
One hundred percent of all divorces start with marriage.
If by moving the clocks forward, we keep the sun up one hour longer, why don't we move the clocks forward 12 hours and keep the sun up for ever?
You will never find anybody who can give you a clear and compelling reason why we observe daylight-savings time.
Everything should be made as simple as possible, but no simpler.
No matter what happens, somebody will find a way to take it too seriously.
Happiness comes through doors you didn't even know you left open.
A truly happy person is one who can enjoy the scenery on a detour.
Some mistakes are too much fun to only make once.
Happiness isn't getting what you want, it's wanting what you got.
Don't cry because it's over; smile because it happened.
If ignorance is bliss, why aren't more people happy?
If quitters never win, and winners never quit, what fool came up with, "Quit while you're ahead"?
If you want breakfast in bed, sleep in the kitchen!
The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion, economic status or ethnic background, is that, deep down inside, we ALL believe that we are above-average drivers.
The most powerful force in the universe is gossip.
Living on Earth is expensive, but it does include a free trip around the sun every year.
People who want to share their religious views with you almost never want you to share yours with them.
A pair of Michigan robbers entered a record shop nervously waving revolvers. The first one shouted, "Nobody move!" When his partner moved, the startled first bandit shot him.
Birthdays are good for you; the more you have, the longer you're alive.
How long a minute is depends on what side of the bathroom door you're on.
Error Message: "WARNING: Keyboard Not Attached. Press F10 to Continue."
English professor wrote the words, "Woman without her man is
nothing," on the blackboard and directed the students to
punctuate it correctly.
Even a mosquito doesn't get a slap on the back until it starts to work.
Preparation is usually achieved through extreme perspiration.
Why listen to someone else's advice, when you are perfectly capable of making mistakes on your own?
Yet another palindromic date, 20/1/02.
Three words can sum up what most people learn from life: not a lot.
Three words can sum up life: it goes on.
30% fun of a holiday or special event is planning, 50% is doing and 20% is remembering.
Don't be afraid of missing opportunities. Behind every failure is an opportunity somebody wishes they had missed.
You can lead a fool to wisdom but you can't make him think.
Boasting is thinking you are good; confidence is knowing you are good.
Life is a journey. You can plan it from a map, but you don't know where the steep hills are.
An Englishman, a Scotsman and an Irishman walk into a bar. The barman asks, "Is this a joke?"
If God had wanted us to believe in him, he would have left clearer instructions.
You realise life is slipping by, when a friend who is only a year older than you has another birthday.
Others either over estimate your abilities or disregard them.
Wasn't life much simpler when the Gas company didn't supply electricity and vice versa?
People would enjoy life more if when they had got something, they could remember how much they once wanted it!
When signwriters go on strike, is anything written on their picket signs?
If your opponent is holding all the cards, why not decide to play chess?
Most bosses look for pliability rather than ability from employees.
Now we are all back to work we can look forward to next Christmas.
The first palindromic date of many this year, being 2/1/2.
My resolution this year is not to make any.
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