Each year you think it must get better next year. Then you discover is doesn't.
Advice is what someone requests when they want you to agree with them.
A man who means what he says has more to offer than one who says what he means. (anon Irish!)
We always spend more at the January Sales than we save.
A beautiful woman is always right.
Strong winds over Britian, caused by over eating during festivities.
Old man with long white beard arrested for breaking into houses and attempting to enter childrens' bedrooms.
The average family in Britain throw away more food than the average family in Africa eat.
Most car accidents are avoidable. It's the other car that isn't.
My wife and I have a joint bank account. She writes the cheques and the I make the deposits.
Chicken is a very versatile food. You can eat them before they are born and after they are dead.
Is there a corrupt woman behind every corrupt man?
If you have lived a charmed life, you have probably set the spell.
They say that handsome men are always conceited, but I'm not.
An ideal wife is one who has an ideal husband.
When two men in a business always agree, one of them is unnecessary.
A wise man remembers his wife's birthday, but forgets which one it is.
There should be no sword in the hand of justice.
We all want to live long, but not to be old.
Why do all the kind, considerate and sensitive men already have boy friends?
Newspaper ad: Model train set for sale - £99.99. includes carriage.
Number one song of the Eskimos: Vera Lyn singing "Whale meat again."
If you have to explain why a joke is funny, then it isn't funny.
He who speaks, sows. He who listens, reaps.
I don't care about those who don't care and I haven't got the time for those who haven't got the time.
In the middle of diversity lies opportunity.
Those who spend their days in pursuit of happiness, rather than riches or fame, understand the true meaning of life.
We always think every other man's job is easier than our own. The better he does it, the easier it looks.
If you prepare the way ahead, life is a smooth ride.
Were Saddam Hussein and Osama Bin Laden good guys when America and Britain were funding them?
is the difference between a Harley Davidson and a vacuum cleaner?
Crooks feel hard done by when they are caught out, whereas honest people would feel ashamed. But how do you expose an honest person?
Whereas, duplications are easier to spot.
Very few people notice when something is missed out.
Is "arm a nag" the best we can get as an anagram of "anagram"?
If Socialist MP's went on strike, would they withdraw their Labour?
Why is the man who invests your money called a broker?
Those who have everything soon get bored with it.
There are those who promote changes and those who enact them.
Modesty is not having the confidence to admit you are brilliant.
Work is the curse of the drinking classes.
You don't always get what you ask for, but you seldom get what you don't ask for... unless it's contagious!
Why can't I find the items that I have put in a safe place?
We went to see The All American Rock and Roll Show, featuring music from the '60s. Most of the audience were either grey or bald, and that was just the women!
Luck is something you are born with, especially if you are born in the developed world!
Guilt is the best forbearer of generosity.
Very few wars are made by agnostics.
Middle age: Hair today, gone tomorrow.
The ultimate insult is to ignore someone.
As most accidents happen with two miles of home, I think I will move house.
For pity's sake, will someone hurry up and tell me the secret of being patient!
A generous gift is known only to the benefactor and recipient.
The fairy story of the King with no clothes didn't say that the butler has stolen them all!
Arrogance is something others have when they attempt to equal me.
Beware of stupidity, as clever men often hide beneath this cloak.
I may not agree with what you say, but I will fight for the right to tell you that you are completely wrong.
Was Guy Fawkes the first urban terrorist?
Where there's a will, there's lots of greedy relatives.
The price of loyalty is set by the Daily papers.
The mistake men make most is not immediately admitting to their wives they are wrong.
Copyright is the means of keeping the idea you have stolen.
I avoid cliches like the plague.
What you are will show in what you do.
Procrastination is the art of keeping up with yesterday.
Yesterday's opportunity is today's regret.
No one ever says "It's only a game," when their team is winning.
Dyslexia means never having to say that you're worng.
Canvassing letter received from my optician: "Long time no see."
What a good thing Adam had going. When he said something, he knew nobody had said it before.
If God had intended for man to use the metric system, Jesus would have only had ten disciples!
Eat, drink, and be fat and drunk.
Shopping tip: You can get shoes for a dollar at bowling alleys.
"My wife's gone to the Indian coast."
"Phwoar! I'll say!"
"My wife's gone to St Petersburg."
"Is she Russian?"
"No, she's taking her time."
"My wife's gone to Northern Italy."
"I should think so, we've been married for 20 years."
"My wife's had an accident on a volcano."
"No. She broke her leg."
"My wife's gone mad in Venezuela."
"Yes, absolutely loopy."
"My wife's gone to the Welsh border."
"My wife's gone to the botanical gardens."
"Yes, it was rather busy."
"My wife's gone to Malawi."
"Yes, about 5000 miles."
"My wife's got an upset tummy in Laos."
"My wife's gone on a singing tour of South Korea."
"My wife caught a cold in the Gulf."
"Yes, she was coughing up greenies for weeks."
"My wife had an accident in Slovenia."
"Like a stuck pig."
"My wife's parents are from Croatia."
"No, they're still happily married."
"My wife went to a very bad concert in South East Asia."
"Terrible. And the rest of the band sucked too."
"My wife went on a sailing course in Poole."
"Yes, she'd recommend it to anyone."
"My wife smoked a joint near Manchester."
It is difficult to win an argument against someone who is ignorant or stupid. Unfortunately, everyone who I disagree with falls into both of these categories!
When did anyone ever say they wished they had seen less of their children when they were young?
Why do the strongest in society display the most weaknesses in their characters?
If there is always someone who is worse off than you, why don't they stop moaning and get on with life?
A perfectionist is someone who never gets it completely right.
The National Census found that on average people were older in 2001, than the previous census. I suppose we are all 10 years older!
Life is not a rehearsal, but it is so difficult to get it right first time.
Why are wrong numbers never busy?
The best marriages involve a certain amount of give and take. The man gives and the wife takes.
Getting what you want is relatively easy. Holding on to it may not be.
If you are the best, why try harder?
Never has there been a stronger case against fox hunting than Prince Charles saying he will leave Britain if hunting is banned.
My wife always has the last word in an argument. If I say anything else back it is then a new argument.
My wife drove me to drink. Then she drove me home again.
Married men live longer than single men, although married men are a lot more willing to die.
Don't try to be the best, just the best you can.
A man will pay £2 for a £1 item he needs. A woman will pay £1 for a £2 item she doesn't need.
If the person doing the job before you was rubbish, people will think you are better than you really are!
Success in life is for oneself. What you do for your family is for them.
I may not enjoy work, but I enjoy life.
Men grow old, but they never grow up.
You may not make the difference, but at least make the effort.
Those who look back all the time usually fall over.
Admit everything and people will not believe you.
The best things in life are fun.
When we are ill, we wish it was someone else. When our children are ill, we wish it were us.
It is more often that inertia is the problem, rather than apathy.
Why are there disabled parking spaces in front of skating rinks?
Why do banks leave both doors open, but chain the pens to the counters?
If you are not sure, ask someone - and get totally confused.
You cannot buy experience. It is also difficult to give it away.
I thought I was an insomniac, but woke up to find it was just a dream.
A brave man is someone who fights thinking he will lose.
I would give my right arm to be ambidextrous.
A smile increases your face value.
Before you mend your neighbour's fence, make sure your own is secure.
If you are prepared to go the extra mile, the route is seldom congested.
If the grass seems greener on the other side, it is probably because someone is giving it more care and attention.
If you do 999 things right and one thing wrong, some clever dick will take pleasure in pointing out the error!
We all pretend to be the person we would like to be.
Fate is something that would have happened, anyhow.
you be for or against capital punishment if your own son was murdered?
Apathy rules, OK?
The problems we create cannot be solved at the level of thinking that created them.
If you keep up to date, life is easy.
The best advice I can offer is do not follow other peoples' advice.
There is no such thing as a problem. If you can do something about it, it cannot be a problem. If you can't, then it is a fact, not a problem.
If in doubt, do it.
If the camera doesn't lie, why do I look so fat in photographs?
The most energy shown at work is rushing out the door at 5 o'clock.
Why do I always buy a car which has a most popular colour, but when I try to sell, it is the least popular?
Are conspiracy theories a plot against the government?
Plan ahead. Make your mistakes in advance.
Secrets of a Happy Marriage:
Justice in our Courts is more luck than judgment.
Don't trust anybody and be pleasantly surprised.
When a Bank shows you any interest, you can bet you are paying it.
A consultant is someone who has never done it himself, but charges for telling you how.
Not only did the summers last longer when you were a child, but so did the days.
Getting old is Nature's revenge on humanity.
A friend is someone you don't have to tidy the house for, when they visit.
Improve your children, by giving them twice as much time and half as much money.
Motorists fall into two catagories; the idiots who drive slower than me and the maniacs who drive faster.
The easiest way to make money is to work for the Royal Mint.
If life were simple it would also be boring.
It is not the sentence that will deter the criminal, but the certaintly of getting caught.
Politics attracts those who say the most and offer the least.
No matter how you try to protect and teach your children the right way, they will eventually be corrupted by someone else's kid.
If too much alcohol brings out your true self, then I must be sick!
A wife is someone who, when she does save you money, spends twice as much again because you can now afford it.
An accountant is someone who saves you money and then charges you for most of what you have saved.
I've learned that no matter how much I care, some people are just assholes.
Trust your husband completely, but always get as much as you can in your own name!
Love is like sand - grasp it too tight and it will run through your fingers.
Every silver lining has a cloud.
Live life wide, not long.
A woman usually has low self-esteem for no reason. A man usually has high self-esteem for no reason.
If you believe in an afterlife, nobody will ever tell you you were wrong.
Integrity is when you do the right thing, thinking no-one will ever know.
A blonde walking along a river bank sees another blonde on the opposite bank. "Yoo-hoo" she shouts, "how can I get to the other side?" The second blonde shouts back, "You are on the other side."
Men suffer pain the best, as they have to put up with women!
"The problem with the French is that they don't have a word for entrepreneur." George W. Bush.
Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.
Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?
Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?
The secret of a clear and tidy desk is to bundle the rubbish into the drawers!
A bargain is something that will appear expensive tomorrow.
If you are modest, someone else gets the credit.
At the first chance he had, Adam blamed it all on Eve.
Why do those who campain for privacy seek publicity for their cause?
Virtue is its own punishment.
Ron Atkinson - "...using his strength. And that is his strength, his strength. You could say that that's his strong point."
Ron Atkinson - "The game has gone rather scrappy as both sides realise they could win this match, or lose it, or draw it even."
Ron Atkinson - "The substitute is about to come on - he's a player who was left out of the starting line-up today. There were others as well."
Ron Atkinson - "England have the best fans in the world and Scotland's fans are second to none."
The only reliable factor about people is that they are unreliable.
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