Today's thought

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1Jan02 - 30Jun02

1Aug01 - 31Dec01

1May01 - 31Jul01

1Jan01 - 30Apr01

27Sep00 - 31Dec00

11Aug00 - 26Sep00

19Jun00 - 10Aug00

31December02

Each year you think it must get better next year. Then you discover is doesn't.

30December02

Advice is what someone requests when they want you to agree with them.

29December02

A man who means what he says has more to offer than one who says what he means. (anon Irish!)

28December02

We always spend more at the January Sales than we save.

27December02

A beautiful woman is always right.

26December02

Strong winds over Britian, caused by over eating during festivities.

25December02

Old man with long white beard arrested for breaking into houses and attempting to enter childrens' bedrooms.

24December02

The average family in Britain throw away more food than the average family in Africa eat.

23December02

Most car accidents are avoidable. It's the other car that isn't.

22December02

My wife and I have a joint bank account. She writes the cheques and the I make the deposits.

21December02

Chicken is a very versatile food. You can eat them before they are born and after they are dead.

20December02

Is there a corrupt woman behind every corrupt man?

19December02

If you have lived a charmed life, you have probably set the spell.

18December02

They say that handsome men are always conceited, but I'm not.

17December02

An ideal wife is one who has an ideal husband.

16December02

When two men in a business always agree, one of them is unnecessary.

15December02

A wise man remembers his wife's birthday, but forgets which one it is.

14December02

There should be no sword in the hand of justice.

13December02

We all want to live long, but not to be old.

12December02

Why do all the kind, considerate and sensitive men already have boy friends?

11December02

Newspaper ad: Model train set for sale - £99.99. includes carriage.

10December02

Number one song of the Eskimos: Vera Lyn singing "Whale meat again."

9December02

If you have to explain why a joke is funny, then it isn't funny.

8December02

He who speaks, sows. He who listens, reaps.

7December02

I don't care about those who don't care and I haven't got the time for those who haven't got the time.

6December02

In the middle of diversity lies opportunity.

5December02

Those who spend their days in pursuit of happiness, rather than riches or fame, understand the true meaning of life.

4December02

We always think every other man's job is easier than our own. The better he does it, the easier it looks.

3December02

If you prepare the way ahead, life is a smooth ride.

2December02

Were Saddam Hussein and Osama Bin Laden good guys when America and Britain were funding them?

1December02

What is the difference between a Harley Davidson and a vacuum cleaner?
Only the position of the dirt bag.

30November02

Crooks feel hard done by when they are caught out, whereas honest people would feel ashamed. But how do you expose an honest person?

29November02

Whereas, duplications are easier to spot.

29November02

Very few people notice when something is missed out.

27November02

Is "arm a nag" the best we can get as an anagram of "anagram"?

26November02

If Socialist MP's went on strike, would they withdraw their Labour?

25November02

Why is the man who invests your money called a “broker”?

24November02

Those who have everything soon get bored with it.

23November02

There are those who promote changes and those who enact them.

22November02

Modesty is not having the confidence to admit you are brilliant.

21November02

Work is the curse of the drinking classes.

20November02

You don't always get what you ask for, but you seldom get what you don't ask for... unless it's contagious!

19November02

Why can't I find the items that I have put in a safe place?

18November02

We went to see The All American Rock and Roll Show, featuring music from the '60s. Most of the audience were either grey or bald, and that was just the women!

17November02

Luck is something you are born with, especially if you are born in the developed world!

16November02

Guilt is the best forbearer of generosity.

15November02

Very few wars are made by agnostics.

14November02

Middle age: Hair today, gone tomorrow.

13November02

The ultimate insult is to ignore someone.

12November02

As most accidents happen with two miles of home, I think I will move house.

11November02

For pity's sake, will someone hurry up and tell me the secret of being patient!

10November02

A generous gift is known only to the benefactor and recipient.

9November02

The fairy story of the King with no clothes didn't say that the butler has stolen them all!

8November02

Arrogance is something others have when they attempt to equal me.

7November02

Beware of stupidity, as clever men often hide beneath this cloak.

6November02

I may not agree with what you say, but I will fight for the right to tell you that you are completely wrong.

5November02

Was Guy Fawkes the first urban terrorist?

4November02

Where there's a will, there's lots of greedy relatives.

3November02

The price of loyalty is set by the Daily papers.

2November02

The mistake men make most is not immediately admitting to their wives they are wrong.

1November02

Copyright is the means of keeping the idea you have stolen.

31Ocotber02

I avoid cliches like the plague.

30October02

What you are will show in what you do.

29October02

Procrastination is the art of keeping up with yesterday.

28October02

Yesterday's opportunity is today's regret.

27October02

No one ever says "It's only a game," when their team is winning.

26October02

Dyslexia means never having to say that you're worng.

25October02

Canvassing letter received from my optician: "Long time no see."

24October02

What a good thing Adam had going. When he said something, he knew nobody had said it before.

23October02

If God had intended for man to use the metric system, Jesus would have only had ten disciples!

22October02

Eat, drink, and be fat and drunk.

21October02

Shopping tip: You can get shoes for a dollar at bowling alleys.

20October02

"My wife's gone to the Indian coast."

"Goa?"

"Phwoar! I'll say!"

19October02

"My wife's gone to St Petersburg."

"Is she Russian?"

"No, she's taking her time."

18October02

"My wife's gone to Northern Italy."

"Genoa?"

"I should think so, we've been married for 20 years."

17October02

"My wife's had an accident on a volcano."

"Krakatoa?"

"No. She broke her leg."

16October02

"My wife's gone mad in Venezuela."

"Caracas?"

"Yes, absolutely loopy."

15October02

"My wife's gone to the Welsh border."

"Wye?"

"Search me."

14October02

"My wife's gone to the botanical gardens."

"Kew?"

"Yes, it was rather busy."

13October02

"My wife's gone to Malawi."

"Lilongwe?"

"Yes, about 5000 miles."

12October02

"My wife's got an upset tummy in Laos."

"Inkhazi?"

"Yes, constantly."

11October02

"My wife's gone on a singing tour of South Korea."

"Seoul?"

"No, R&B."

10October02

"My wife caught a cold in the Gulf."

"Qatar?"

"Yes, she was coughing up greenies for weeks."

9October02

"My wife had an accident in Slovenia."

"Bled?"

"Like a stuck pig."

8October02

"My wife's parents are from Croatia."

"Split?"

"No, they're still happily married."

7October02

"My wife went to a very bad concert in South East Asia."

"Singapore?"

"Terrible. And the rest of the band sucked too."

 

6October02

"My wife went on a sailing course in Poole."

"In Dorset?"

"Yes, she'd recommend it to anyone."

5October02

"My wife smoked a joint near Manchester."

"In Hale?"

4October02

It is difficult to win an argument against someone who is ignorant or stupid. Unfortunately, everyone who I disagree with falls into both of these categories!

3October02

When did anyone ever say they wished they had seen less of their children when they were young?

2October02

Why do the strongest in society display the most weaknesses in their characters?

1October02

If there is always someone who is worse off than you, why don't they stop moaning and get on with life?

30September02

A perfectionist is someone who never gets it completely right.

29September02

The National Census found that on average people were older in 2001, than the previous census. I suppose we are all 10 years older!

28September02

Life is not a rehearsal, but it is so difficult to get it right first time.

27September02

Why are wrong numbers never busy?

26September02

The best marriages involve a certain amount of give and take. The man gives and the wife takes.

25September02

Getting what you want is relatively easy. Holding on to it may not be.

24September02

If you are the best, why try harder?

23September02

Never has there been a stronger case against fox hunting than Prince Charles saying he will leave Britain if hunting is banned.

22 September02

My wife always has the last word in an argument. If I say anything else back it is then a new argument.

21September02

My wife drove me to drink. Then she drove me home again.

20September02

Married men live longer than single men, although married men are a lot more willing to die.

19September02

Don't try to be the best, just the best you can.

18September02

A man will pay £2 for a £1 item he needs. A woman will pay £1 for a £2 item she doesn't need.

17September02

If the person doing the job before you was rubbish, people will think you are better than you really are!

16September02

Success in life is for oneself. What you do for your family is for them.

15September02

I may not enjoy work, but I enjoy life.

14September02

Men grow old, but they never grow up.

13September02

You may not make the difference, but at least make the effort.

12September02

Those who look back all the time usually fall over.

11September02

Admit everything and people will not believe you.

10September02

The best things in life are fun.

9September02

When we are ill, we wish it was someone else. When our children are ill, we wish it were us.

8September02

It is more often that inertia is the problem, rather than apathy.

7September02

Why are there disabled parking spaces in front of skating rinks?

6September02

Why do banks leave both doors open, but chain the pens to the counters?

5September02

If you are not sure, ask someone - and get totally confused.

4September02

You cannot buy experience. It is also difficult to give it away.

3September02

I thought I was an insomniac, but woke up to find it was just a dream.

2September02

A brave man is someone who fights thinking he will lose.

1September02

I would give my right arm to be ambidextrous.

31August02

A smile increases your face value.

30August02

Before you mend your neighbour's fence, make sure your own is secure.

29August02

If you are prepared to go the extra mile, the route is seldom congested.

28August02

If the grass seems greener on the other side, it is probably because someone is giving it more care and attention.

27August02

If you do 999 things right and one thing wrong, some clever dick will take pleasure in pointing out the error!

26August02

We all pretend to be the person we would like to be.

25August02

Fate is something that would have happened, anyhow.

24August02

Would you be for or against capital punishment if your own son was murdered?
Would you change your mind if your son was a convicted murderer?

23August02

Apathy rules, OK?

22August02

The problems we create cannot be solved at the level of thinking that created them.

21August02

If you keep up to date, life is easy.

20August02

The best advice I can offer is do not follow other peoples' advice.

19August02

There is no such thing as a problem. If you can do something about it, it cannot be a problem. If you can't, then it is a fact, not a problem.

18August02

If in doubt, do it.

17August02

If the camera doesn't lie, why do I look so fat in photographs?

16August02

The most energy shown at work is rushing out the door at 5 o'clock.

15August02

Why do I always buy a car which has a most popular colour, but when I try to sell, it is the least popular?

14August02

Are conspiracy theories a plot against the government?

13August02

Plan ahead. Make your mistakes in advance.

12August02

Four Secrets of a Happy Marriage:
1. It is important to find a woman that cooks and cleans.
2. It is important to find a woman that makes good money.
3. It is important to find a woman that likes to have sex.
4. It is important that these three women never meet.

11August02

Justice in our Courts is more luck than judgment.

10August02

Don't trust anybody and be pleasantly surprised.

9August02

When a Bank shows you any interest, you can bet you are paying it.

8August02

A consultant is someone who has never done it himself, but charges for telling you how.

7August02

Not only did the summers last longer when you were a child, but so did the days.

6August02

Getting old is Nature's revenge on humanity.

5August02

A friend is someone you don't have to tidy the house for, when they visit.

4August02

Improve your children, by giving them twice as much time and half as much money.

3August02

Motorists fall into two catagories; the idiots who drive slower than me and the maniacs who drive faster.

2August02

The easiest way to make money is to work for the Royal Mint.

1August02

 If life were simple it would also be boring.

 

31July02

It is not the sentence that will deter the criminal, but the certaintly of getting caught.

30July02

Politics attracts those who say the most and offer the least.

29July02

No matter how you try to protect and teach your children the right way, they will eventually be corrupted by someone else's kid.

28July02

If too much alcohol brings out your true self, then I must be sick!

27July02

A wife is someone who, when she does save you money, spends twice as much again because you can now afford it.

26July02

An accountant is someone who saves you money and then charges you for most of what you have saved.

25July02

I've learned that no matter how much I care, some people are just assholes.

24July02

Trust your husband completely, but always get as much as you can in your own name!

23July02

Love is like sand - grasp it too tight and it will run through your fingers.

22July02

Every silver lining has a cloud.

21July02

Live life wide, not long.

20July02

A woman usually has low self-esteem for no reason. A man usually has high self-esteem for no reason.

19July02

If you believe in an afterlife, nobody will ever tell you you were wrong.

18July02

Integrity is when you do the right thing, thinking no-one will ever know.

17July02

A blonde walking along a river bank sees another blonde on the opposite bank. "Yoo-hoo" she shouts, "how can I get to the other side?" The second blonde shouts back, "You are on the other side."

16July02

Men suffer pain the best, as they have to put up with women!

15July02

"The problem with the French is that they don't have a word for entrepreneur." —George W. Bush.

14July02

Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.

13July02

Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?

12July02

Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?

11July02

The secret of a clear and tidy desk is to bundle the rubbish into the drawers!

10July02

A bargain is something that will appear expensive tomorrow.

9July02

If you are modest, someone else gets the credit.

8July02

At the first chance he had, Adam blamed it all on Eve.

7July02

Why do those who campain for privacy seek publicity for their cause?

6July02

Virtue is its own punishment.

5July02

Ron Atkinson - "...using his strength. And that is his strength, his strength. You could say that that's his strong point."

4July02

Ron Atkinson - "The game has gone rather scrappy as both sides realise they could win this match, or lose it, or draw it even."

3July02

Ron Atkinson - "The substitute is about to come on - he's a player who was left out of the starting line-up today. There were others as well."

2July02

Ron Atkinson - "England have the best fans in the world and Scotland's fans are second to none."

1July02

The only reliable factor about people is that they are unreliable.

 

 

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